.xaueious.

Wasted time today depressed

2009-10-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Wasted many (more than 6) hours today depressed. Happened a lot last term, but this term it’s more or less the first time.

Stress cripples me. It shouldn’t but it just does.

I had somewhat of a set back with the 4th year project course I have been doing. Lots of useless regretting and not much progress made. Presentation next Friday and facing a lot of stress as to what I can do. I am useless right now.

While I appreciate the faith people have in my abilities, I myself have little faith.

It’s so hard, but I need to see a counselor. This makes no sense that I can waste so much time being depressed. I need to resolve the triggers and root causes so I can actually perform optimally this term.

Pray for me.

Back in Waterloo for my Second Last Undergrad Term (Hopefully)

2009-09-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

I realize I haven’t blogged for a while now. I’ve been tweeting quite a bit, but there’s not really a good replacement for a blog post.

This is more of a post of me reviewing what I did and might not be a very interesting piece since I’m not filtering for the good parts. It’s just going to be a lot of stuff :D.

My Summer

In Hong Kong this summer, I did very little. I wasn’t motivated to do much. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I didn’t feel like spending any of my parents’ money. Initially I was going to find a job, but it turned out that I wasn’t going to get paid a lot anyways so I gave up since I wasn’t sure I could even go to work consistently with that attitude.

It was really hot in Hong Kong. I am not sure if it was weather effects or if I was just depressed from living with my aunt or just isolating myself from people in general. My aunt was really not making me feel at ease. I really felt like I was going insane a few times because I was so depressed most of the time when they were around. I felt great when I was with other relatives or when I was alone though. I would thank her for feeding me any stuff, but if I had money I would have really preferred to live alone or live with someone else. I really shouldn’t have stayed at her place for so long, but that’s a story for another day. Anyways I felt like I spent most of my time in the house not going anywhere nor doing anything significant.

But it wasn’t actually that bad for me. In fact I think it was the most relaxed I felt in a long time. There were times I felt really depressed (like I said above), but most of the other times it was really refreshing.

Spiritually I made no practical progress. I have essentially established that my faith is functionally broken. I found a church only to abandon it a few months in and not developing any relationships because I didn’t ask for any contacts and didn’t really hang out enough. But the glimpse of church I experienced there made me want to be grow up in Hong Kong. I was restricted to go by unrational feelings of being rejected by people since no one reached out to me even though I was someone new. That’s another lesson for the books. I was expecting people to reach out to me since I was a newcomer in a church, but other than initial recognition and formal greetings, it didn’t really get much further than that. I felt pretty isolated there actually – no different than what I felt at church in Canada, where I knew the faces of everyone and that’s pretty much it.

On the more positive side of things, I bought quite a bit of clothes in Hong Kong. Yes I have clothes that fit now and am no longer restricted to track-pants and huge t-shirts. I started caring about my looks a bit more. But I wouldn’t have shopped as much as I did if I didn’t spend my last month in the stock market and made myself enough money to cover my flight and all miscellaneous expenses. Not enough to cover tuition though, so I’ll be in debt a little.

I also had an awesome time meeting my cousins. I really missed them and treasured every moment I spent with them. I have a female cousin my age, but she is as lazy as I am in terms of socially so I didn’t get to talk to her as much as I would have liked. I still don’t know how to talk to her, but it’s the same situation with most of my friendships I guess.

To cap it off, a list of everything I can think of about my Hong Kong trip:

first time back in 10 years
seeing relatives
visited my childhood home and first elementary school
visited a Chinese church a few times and also their fellowship (though I gave up on during my last month. Otherwise a good experience)
visited Macau
visited Shenzhen a few times
Bride’s falls visit and fishing
Ocean park
shopped for clothes ($4000 HKD worth)
figured out how to swim breast stroke semi-properly (can swim continuously without rest), and front crawl needs work but is a lot better
got more fit (mostly thanks to pull ups) and gained about 3 inches on my vertical
visited anime and magna related good stores to walk around
visited HK book fair
first real experience in stock market trading
played basketball and soccer with locals

Final Stretch of University

I’m in my last year of Mechanical Engineering coop program. It’s hard to imagine that I already went through 4 years of it and am really on my final stretch. While I would really like it to end, I am not exactly looking forward to full time work either. I am not feeling very motivated. Graduation is something way over my head right now. In a sense, I still feel like I’m seventeen. But I’m already 22 going onto 23. Some people my age get married, and have established their footholds in society with regards to their career, independence and social standing.

I hope I pass these two terms.

I also pray to be a better Christian. I’m starting with constant church attendance and don’t really want accountability, as contradictory as that sounds. The last time I had accountability was good for what it was, but I am not too upbeat about finding people who have my troubles. I have some pretty weird issues, so I would like to think.

Not looking forward to much socially. I will be too busy and I am not sure where to start. The only social commitment I am taking this term is church on Sundays. I am having second thoughts about the fellowship I usually go to because over the terms it really hasn’t done me that good, especially towards last school term.

Extra

For the sake of vanity, my Hong Kong trip has resulted in the following 5 pack (yes they are asymmetrical). They still need work and by the end of this term I might just lose it because I am too lazy to go to a pull-up bar. I'm trying to keep exercising:

Clearup

2009-05-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

No Japan
I'm in Hong Kong till mid August
I graduate in 2010 now
Jobless for now

I will keep Tweeting.

Approaching the end of the term

2009-04-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

I easily wrote the worst final exam of my university career. It was a course I could and should have done better in. A lack of motivation and focus killed me. I might now have to retake that particular course. If I go to Japan, it means that I will be retaking the course a whole year later, which isn't as fun. The prospects are not actually that bad though in reality. I have just been really hard on myself.

I have been stressed recently about my Japanese work issues, but that is no excuse. I get pretty dysfunctional when I'm stressed. I am in my early twenties, but I don't think this is acceptable. I need to take substantial measures to discipline myself.

I have one more exam to write. I know I'll pass that one. It is time to put my worries elsewhere and just relax.

Final Exams

2009-03-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

Final exams in a week. 3 group projects due this week.

Crucial time. Very crucial. Especially knowing how behind I am in all my courses.

I cannot afford to fail this term. Or any term, in fact. Being in 4 stream means that failure of a term can result in pushing my graduation a whole year. Combine that with going to Japan, and it means taking 7 years to complete my undergraduate degree, which is insane. 6 was borderline okay, for me already when I applied for the Japan coop.

I guess I've been depressed by the fact that my marks have been dropping like a rock, and I have had too much of a perfectionist mindset to pull myself out of the muddy waters. It is tough mentally to get 80s and suddenly fall down to a 60 student, and that's exactly what's happening. It is really making me edgy and stressed this term. It means going for masters is impossible. With my lack of experience in the engineering field, I am disappointed in what I have to offer to the engineering world.

In any case, I need to focus now. This is my final stretch of school for a whole year before going to Japan.

I also had issues with my passport recently, which may affect my Japan work application. That's an additional stress item...

Praying about it.

Post Midterm Reflection

2009-02-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

So... half the term has passed. A lot of things have happened, and a lot of things that should have happened have not.

I'm 22 years old. I can no longer call myself a teenager. I am fully in my twenties now, and there's no turning back. The responsibility to live is mine.

I'm still watching anime these days. One that really makes me glad that I'm still watching is Clannad After Story. The story started with the protagonist as an irresponsible teenager at the ripe age of 17. He is not a teenager anymore, and moreover a father. The story has progressed to the point where he must now live his life responsibility for the sake of himself as well as his daughter. There are things I too must do for my own sake.

I recently started reading the book 'Intimate Connections' by David Burns. It's a self-help book with practical advice to evaluate your own life and to rationally understand your thoughts. I was a fool to ever think that scientific psychotherapy can be replaced by simply reading the Bible and talking to untrained individuals. Anyways, the book has the potential to help immensely. I started to understand the importance of psychological balance through 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud. In any case, I have a lot of material to work with now.

Key phrases:

Setting boundaries
Rational and realistic expectations

I have been very volatile emotionally and spiritually. I am going to make it my goal to practically fix that from this point forwards. I should have set this goal at the beginning of the year, but this time I'm putting this in writing once and for all.

This is a good time to do this right once and for all.

Pre-Exam Motivation

2009-02-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

Ecc 5:18 Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.
Ecc 5:19 Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil--this is the gift of God.

Haven't been able to study. My motivation really hasn't been there. Listening to some MarsHill Mark Driscoll to fix my mentality.

Live for righteousness. That's your value. You are not in the world's "food chain". We don't score that way before God.

God enabled joy.

Have to pick up my pace

2009-01-18T21:42:00.000-08:00

No idea what this song means, but I just like the rare upbeat song here and there. By 初音ミク, flowertone.

Not been working very efficiently. Maybe I'm trying to do too much.

School is a huge priority right now. I need to effectively plan my time. This is the only the way it works.

I made church and fellowships for 2 weeks straight, but my devos are really still suffering.

I'm watching too much NBA right now. I should just learn to give up on the Raptors. Sigh...

Update

2009-01-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

So I haven't had the time to blog recently. I'm in my second week of school right now. Things are getting very busy.

I'm having trouble prioritizing as well. I haven't touched my Bible in a while.

I don't have time for the many things I want to be doing this term.

If I had any resolution for this year, it is to do less so I can do more.

Upcoming Term Worries

2009-01-04T05:39:00.000-08:00

Couldn't sleep already. I have to pack today, and go to church preferably. I haven't had communion in like half a year because I've been missing all the first Sundays, and yes I'm a baptized Christian. I know it's not a good combination.

A few things I'm worried about today and probably throughout this week:

CCF or an engineering club? Which one do I join? I know I only have time for one of the two. Faith or career. Also, Christian friends or no friends. It's a tough call.
I'm taking the second Japanese course at school, and I never took the first one. At this time, I am not ready for the second course. I was supposed to study last week. I didn't.
I need to pack. At this rate, I'll be eating plain rice for the rest of the week every day as well, so I need to go shopping. I forgot how to bus by now. Crap.
I pulled 60s on every meaningful course last school term, meaning that I am very unprepared for my courses this term. My mom gives pressure for me to do well, and I shouldn't care about what she thinks. She knows nothing about engineering and she's telling me to do a masters in electrical engineering (by the way, I'm in mechanical, so it makes no sense for me whatsoever). Basically I have to figure out how poorly I can allow my marks to be so I can do extracurricular stuff. That's how engineering works.

I am so excited. But so stressed. And I haven't even started. Great.

My 2008 Anime Recap - Worth Watching...

2008-12-31T20:41:00.000-08:00

I don't watch a lot of anime when I'm on school term. Nor do I follow airing times, so this isn't a very complete list. But this is going to be a long one anyway... I had two work terms...

While this post isn't interesting to everyone as I understand it, it's just something I've been doing...

So... Alphabetically because I have no idea what I watched first.

Clannad
One of the most emotional anime series I've seen to date, despite its many flaws. It's sad at times, and brought me close to tears at one point. Slapstick humor is used well in this anime. High point of this anime is the fact that it emphasizes family as a main element, not just romance. If you can watch the anime with that in mind, it is much easier to watch.

The story is about a high school delinquent's last year of high school and how he interacts with friends. He displays a lot of growth in the anime, and opens up after meeting a new friend at the beginning of the school year. He noticeably changes his attitude towards school and his own life as the plot progresses.

Other than that, it has very likable characters, even though some feel very unrealistic. I do get annoyed by the way most of the characters abnormally react, but this is what you expect typically from anime created from a harem scenario made for high school kids. But as I mentioned above, the development of the anime is deeper and more mature than what the characters design may suggest.

Exceptional music quality and above average art makes this a good watch even if you didn't enjoy anything about the anime itself and felt dumbified by the whole thing. I'd still have watched it, but it isn't something I can easily recommend to everyone.

Code Geass - Hangyaku no Lelouch R2
For fans of the first season, the second season wasn't very good. Many waited for the second season with eager expectation and were disappointed with the end result. It will be remembered for the anime that could have been but was not. Mind you, it was still epic as a whole series as one of the more innovative mecha anime to come in a while.

It's an action and mecha anime with a mixture of mystical elements and many plot twists. The mystical elements are what drew me to watching, but the series ended with little questions of those answered. The series centers upon the main character who gains the ability to manipulate others to do whatever he commanded against their free will. Second season ended with too many questions left unanswered and too many impossible plot twists for me to enjoy fully, but this is one many can enjoy. The lack of any true romantic developments is what killed this anime for me.

Hidamari Sketch x365
Not really done this one, but anyone who enjoys a good slice of life anime should watch this. I find the show relaxing and entertaining.

The show is about the day-to-day lives of four teenage art students living together in the same residence and going to school together.

Shows like this make me acknowledge and appreciate the existence of art, and that's hard for me because of the way I only value things that are practical. The show itself is very artistic. It's the type of show that makes you want friends who are similar to the characters, and the type I can't get enough of.

Kannagi
A average boy carves a tree sculpture, which turns into a beautiful girl who ends up living with him. She's a self-proclaimed goddess. He also happens to have another cute girl as his friend since childhood who has feelings for him. Then the goddess girl has a sister who also likes the main character.

Sounds ridiculous eh? The show is worth picking up for the humor, parodies, and interaction between the characters. It's a fun show to pick up if you like the type of humor, but shows with these obvious harem scenarios kill brain cells, seriously. A rather immature show, and not really my type of show.

Macross Frontier

Best soundtrack of the year? Check.
Best animated series of the year? Check.
Most hyped up series of the year? Check.

My first entry into the Macross series. Humans living in space colonies are attacked by unknown creatures. The series is about the humans trying to survive with the ensuing attacks of the creatures. The series tries to explain the sci-fi elements throughout. Despite the weak plot and rather incomprehensible main characters, the setting of the anime draws you in. The main characters consist of a male figher/mecha pilot and two female singers.

Other than that, this series should be watched for the production quality alone. The production quality of each of the episodes is equal to that of a full length anime movie, which is very impressive. You have to watch it to see how good this was done.

Minami-ke ~Okawari~
This show is the second season of a series about the day-to-day lives of three sisters who live together and go to the same school. They don't live with their parents, and the focus of the show is how the sisters interact with one another. This is a slice of life anime, so it has no plot. Aside from the three sisters, the side characters are rather weak in this anime, especially the second season. Worth watching if you are in for some immature and stressfree humor. First season was better though.

Mobile Suit Gundam 00
This is a typical Gundam show. The Gundam are pretty much invincible in this show, and the characters are very emo and immature. What else is new? Best animation quality in a Gundam anime to date, but both the plot and the characters are severely lacking. I'd rate Gundam Seed over this, which is pretty bad. Gundam and mecha fanboys only? I heard the second season is redeeming the series a bit, but I have very low interest in this show right now.

Nodame Cantabile Paris Chapter
Romantic drama and music is a darn good mix in this series. The way the main characters progress their musical careers together with their romantic relationship is very well done. This anime picks up from where the first season left off. Manga readers will be disappointed from the details that are left out in this relatively short second season, but this is still a solid series overall. Worth watching, even for an older audience. Of course I'd recommend watching the first season first.

Spice and Wolf
So I didn't really watch the show, but this is a darn good show. I read the novel itself, so I couldn't bear watching the show because of how good the novel was.

The story is about a young male merchant who travels with a beautiful wolf goddess in human form. Both the mains are smart and deep characters. The setting is complex and very well thought out. Worth watching if you can't find the novel or manga.

True Tears
Average guy, two above average girlfriends and one childhood girlfriend who likes him. The setup is close to one of those harem anime, and screamed 'stay away' at first glance, but it wasn't quite the same as I watched a few more episodes. What makes this series interesting is the way the main characters display growth in the series as they gain courage to be true to their feelings. Possibly the best romantic anime I have ever watched. Great music in the series as well.

That's it for 2008. Happy new year...

I don't think I'm going to watch a lot of anime coming 2009. I'll finish the few I continued, but I don't see a lot of shows I will have interest in. I'm turning 22 in two months, and age and anime don't mix well together. More of what I watched at Myanimelist

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Limitations and colorblindness

2008-12-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

I don't tell this to everyone I meet typically, but I'm red-green colorblind.

But this work term, I realized that I'm actually insecure about the fact that I'm red-green colorblind. I was made to do a lot of CAD (computer assisted drafting) for my engineering company this term, and at times I was supposed to distinguish the difference between yellow and green, which is impossible for me.

I know I've more or less given up art in the past even since I was young because of my colorblindness as well. What's the point of practicing art if I can't tell colors? I told myself... I could be a great monochrome artist I guess? Anyways, I told myself that I wasn't even going to bother with it. But I am starting to realize that this way of thinking affected my self-esteem inadvertently, and even how I deal with God daily.

Drawing?
Photography?
Oh clothes? Sigh...

I actually feel that I have a disability of sorts.

Another thing that I think about is the fact that it's genetic. Do I want to pass it down to my offspring? Should I avoid having kids? I don't want them to suffer like I did. I want them to see all the colors the world has to offer if possible. Do I even want kids now? Wont they blame me for being irresponsible to have passed this disability down to them?

Or I guess that just reflects some of my own frustrations. I don't like the fact that I'm colorblind. I still love my mom and my grandfather, but sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't colorblind.

Otherwise, in day-to-day situations, colorblindness is not an issue for me. I am in university, am physically fit, and have a long way to go. I have a lot to look forward to. I know I've been focusing too much on this permanent weakness of mine for too long. It's about time I move on. There are things in my life that I have the power to change, and this is not one of them.

And this isn't the only thing in my life right now that I can't change and shouldn't bother. I need to live with a lot of things like this.

I can cope. I have coped with my colorblindness. I can be happy without the full spectrum. I have been happy.

It's no different for everything else I wished for and did not receive from God. Whether it's parents, academics, friends...

This is the way God made the world. And all of this is still good. I need to see it.

I was reading manga recently, called REAL. It's a basketball themed manga, but centered on young characters struggling with their lives. Some of the characters have become physically disabled due to various circumstances.

The following is a paraphrase from the manga:
Even though it is amazing for man to finish a 100 meter dash in under 10 seconds, man will never be able to fly by his own strength. But though humans are limited, the amount they can achieve up to their potential is up to them. So you have humans striving to finish a 100 meter dash in under 10 seconds, even though they cannot fly.

And so it was good in the Lord's eyes.

Summing up the end of possibly my last work term this week

2008-12-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

Haven't been able to come up with very exciting things to talk about recently, so this will just be another boring life update post...

This Wednesday is my last day at work. I just got my work term evaluation today, and I received my best work term evaluation yet. The only thing I did differently this term was interact with my co-workers, but that came more naturally than all my last work terms. But honestly, I didn't even talk to my own group that much. I just happened to hang out with a bunch of people who were around my age. I'm kind of sad that this work term evaluation isn't really worth much since this is really my last official work term. The university hinted that my last work term (4A work term) wont be through the university's system since I'm going to Japan. This pretty much concludes my coop career, and it really wasn't that exciting.

I'm going to remember this work term most not for the work that I did, but for the relationships that I had. I find this is really what makes or breaks a job for me at the moment. I have yet to find any real passion in what I've been studying for the last four years. I hope going to Japan can change that. I wont last very long in the real work with this mindset and I am keenly aware of it. Or even if I last, I will not develop the instincts I know I am capable of, such as leadership and being someone who 'makes things happen'.

I am slowly transitioning from a coop-student mindset to a more mature one. I know what to do, but knowing what to do is different from being able to do things.

I think my decision to go to Japan will be taking a step backwards in terms of my professional maturity, but it will build me in other ways.

Clubbing and pubs for an outsider (pt 2)

2008-12-14T21:15:00.000-08:00

Well, carrying on from the last post...

If I can legitimately enjoy a club, two important potential motivators would be: the dancing, and the music.

Unfortunately, I have a problems with both of them. This time it is more of my own problem...

Okay about dancing...

I CAN'T dance. Plain and simple. I am unable. I have no legitimate skills right now.

You send me out on the dance floor and I will be standing stiff as a tree. Next I become conscious of the fact that I stick out like a sore thumb.

My coworkers helped me out last Thursday and took the time to educate me a little, so at least now I know how to 'two-step', but I can't even get the beat right. I have played DDR and other music beat games, but this is weird. I hear music, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my body. Knowing that I need to dance makes me very very confused. I get a major brain cramp and just BSOD on the spot.

I have no idea how people can dance to music. If you give me an African drum Djembe, I either hit it with the palm or it hit it with my fingers. That's two variations. I can deal with that. But if you tell me to dance, it's like play the piano improv. I don't know the basics of dancing.

So far, I know this much. Two-step on the off beat, and swaying my shoulders a little. I need to devote some major hours to Youtube some time. But I fell really deficient at this stuff at the moment.

So, the other problem is the music.

We happened to have a pretty sketchy DJ on Thursday night, so be played everything - R&B, Reggae, House, and techno. I didn't like a single song. I recognized a few from watching TV, but the music made me want to leave.

I love music and I enjoy all sorts of genres. But if you crank the volume up to the point that my ear drums feel like they are on the verge of popping, that's really not my thing right now. I want to prolong my hearing. Anything that stops me from being able to listen to music in the future, I don't want to do.

And the music really wasn't my thing. I don't react very well to music with sexual themes. It makes it really hard to dance to that stuff, because I work to repress that side of me, as I always have.

It makes it hard to find music I can dance to.

But I'm not just blogging to complain about it. It's more of a coming-to-terms to where I am with all this.

So I end with one of my most over-used lines...

I dunno

Clubbing and pubs for an outsider (pt 1)

2008-12-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

I really haven't joined the pub and club scene even though this is really my 4th year of university. My coworkers this term have been telling me I've been missing out. I'm weird in their eyes haha...

I kind of knew how out of place I was with Canadian culture, but I had no idea how specifically. Well I started getting ideas this term, especially with these coworkers of mine telling me all these things. I think having these coworkers was the best thing to have come out of this work term, by the way.

So they've been telling my stories of how they enjoyed going to clubs with their friends. They tell me they enjoy the music, the environment, picking up the women, the dancing, and especially the dancing. These are guy coworkers I'm talking about by the way. Oh and one they really emphasized is grinding as a part of the dancing.

"How could you not want it?"

... That's what they told me. ...

This aint enough to get me motivated to get to a club! I understand the motivation behind something like that, but that is NOT why I want to be in a club if I ever wanted to be in one. At least I don't want to see myself that way. My conscience wont let me do that kind of thing right now. The closest thing I could accept is just the dancing part. Oh but dancing?

Save that for the next post. This is good enough of an intro...

Update on my time

2008-12-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

Time

3 days to my new laptop hard drive shipment
3 days to my first and only day off this work term, to go to Waterloo and get documents required for my Japan work visa application
2.5 weeks of work term left
2 weeks to completely finish work term report
1 month till class begins
1 month of self-study to get ready for level 2 Japanese at school
5 months till I finish my 3B engineering term (aka 3rd year)
5 months till I go to Japan
17 months till I go come back to Canada from Japan
29 months to my graduation in 2011
3 years and 3 months to being 25 years old
8 years and 3 months to being 30 years old

(thanks for the comment. added '30' to the last line)

New label: "my life"

2008-12-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

New label for updates on 'my life'. My old 'rants and reflections' tag was pretty ambiguous. I'll make a post about it soon. It is long overdue.

Why I stopped blogging

2008-12-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

Why I stopped blogging, a few reasons:

I don't talk to anyone. I have people I can still call friends, but none of whom I can call up and talk to. Not that they wouldn't listen, but it is more of an issue on my end. I haven't been able to approach people - even those I call frriends, for the last 4 years I have been alive. So I have been blogging without thinking about anyone in particular. Essentially I have been blogging to thin air.
My dad has been reading this blog, and his comment put a nail in the blog and really hurt my pride. If anyone knows me, I am one of those people who wishes that he never had a father. I don't exactly wish him dead, but his existence is a blemish in my life. That's as far as I'll talk about this for now. I'm sure I will find a reason to rant about him within the next couple of weeks of this remaining work term of me living at home. After all, he aggregates me without fail. Objectively, the advice he gave might not have seemed bad, but the fact that he tries to give me advice is enough for me to slap him.
I wrote a lot of blog posts related to 'Christian' thinking and centered upon my attempt to convert my mindset to a more Christian one, but recent events have me choosing putting my faith on the backlog.
I was no longer confident to portray my life to the world. Two months ago, I realized my lack of confidence and caved in to a near depression state. I have been hating myself excessively and blaming myself not being the person I thought I was supposed to be.
I found more fun things to do, namely video games, anime and music. Blogging requires that I think about myself. When I don't want to realize reality, I stop blogging. I said similar things in the past.

Why I am starting to blog again:

I feel the need to realize the reality in my life.
I need to love myself more. I am being too hard on myself for being unable to do what I cannot do.
I need to express myself, even if it is to no one in particular. I need to throw my thoughts out in the open. It is a confidence booster to be able to talk openly about myself. This is what a publicly hosted blog does. As long as my parents don't read this blog, this blog stays put. (Note to self: This is an issue I will need to come to terms with someday)
This blog is like stamping my existence in the world
I think there may be someone who might want to know about my life, or death, someday.

Jumpstarting this Blog Business

2008-12-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

I have been blogging since May 19 of 2004. That was my Grade 12 year. I was taking 6 courses at the time at my local public high school. I had people I called friends, but looking back, even though I had people I called friends, I was always alone.

I originally started blogging as a journal of sorts. Brainwashed with a very naive mindset at the time, I wrote a load of Christian-esq hogwash. That means that I tried to pray in writing and wrote about religious things. But at the time, I didn't read the Bible. Nor did I pray. I just felt like writing like I was a Christian. Blogging those thoughts made me feel holy. It made me feel better, as if I was doing something important. I continued to blog that way even with my Christian faith going down the drain as my high school career finished and continued well into first year of university. I would talk about my life and how depressed I was. I eventually hid this blog away because it was getting too depressing. Besides, I realized I wrote a whole lot of incoherent junk even though it had a Christian-esq theme to a lot of it. I realized that no one wants to read that kind of thing. I started a new blog, and promised to be more coherent.

I made another blog for my personal incoherent and emo journaling, making another blog for keeping in touch with friends. I used the personal journal to keep my brain somewhat organized and to keep my God-conversations to myself, and the other blog to update others on my life. That has continued for quite some time, but I stopped blogging again when I realized that I no longer had people to blog to. Plus my dad started reading this blog and making comments. I just wanted to throw my thoughts out into the internet. That's why I kept blogging. I wasn't motivated by friends I don't talk to, but more of the fact that I was pouring my heart out somewhere. Blogging is really my only outlet. I haven't had a person I knew I could talk to for the last four years of my life. Blogging kept me sane, in a sense.

So I'm starting to blog again. It didn't really matter where I started the blog, but I thought I might as well use one of the many accounts I started already to write my thoughts in. I don't expect anyone to read this. I have blogged on Blogspot for long enough to know that no one really reads my blogging. Yet I still try. It is my way of showing myself in this sea of faces.

I'm back in a sense...

I'll make sure I delete all references to my blog in my house to make sure I can blog somewhat freely again.

But this time around, I've changed. I've changed a little in the last term. It really carries over from my last school term. I'll go into that in my next post.

Lost the will to blog here

2008-10-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

I want to blog, but just not here. I have been so mad at stuff and I need to vent so bad. But blogging is dependent on who I want to talk to. Right now? No one in particular.

We'll see.

Follow me on Twitter instead.

さきに...

2008-09-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

さきに、俺わつかれた

とてもにつかれたぜー

ぬ無

Angry but happy

2008-09-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

Not angry at myself. Angry at God.

I have been pretty happy actually, even though I have been angry. Yes it is quite possible to be both angry and happy. I would probably be happier if I had nothing to be angry about, but what is making me angry is by no means making me sad, but just frustrated and tired.

I don't have to force myself to do anything. No one can force me to do anything.

First weekend after first week of work

2008-09-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

My day

Since I stayed out for so long last night, I lost most of my day today sleeping in till 1 pm. And I was still really really tired.

My sister's birthday today. She had plans till evening.

Anyhow, picked up my cousin from Scarborough Town Centre. Bought stuff for my sister there too. Went to Markham to get a partial refund on my laptop at Futureshop, which dropped in price as of yesterday by $100, and then drove home. By then it was 5:30 pm.

Went home and dropped off some stuff, then went with my cousins to play some tennis and basketball at the park till 8:30 pm. After eating, friends call me at 9 pm to tell me to show up at 10 pm.

Normally I would go, but:

My sister hadn't come home yet and we had to sort of celebrate
Church tomorrow
30 minute drive to and from each
I was damn tired

I wanted to go. Sucks.

Damn if I really was a good friend, I would have planned events myself and coordinate stuff. Gah... Nvm....

Jap

On the other hand...

I didn't even study Japanese at all this week! I guess I don't mind being rated as non-literate in Japanese for the work term, but I have made a piss poor effort to get better so far.

New notebook, last few days of my break

2008-08-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

Got a new tablet now. HP Pavilion TX2524CA. Huge upgrade over my old IBM/Lenovo Thinkpad R50e. Much needed upgrade. I was losing productivity last term because my computer was so slow. Plus now 720P H264 and ニコニコ動画 videos actually play now. Oh and Rikaichan takes 2 seconds to load instead of 30, so I can actually learn Japanese now.

Anyways, my break is almost over. Been busy somewhat. Been a relaxing break, but not much else. Turned my brain off a bit too much.

I have to get serious about life again. Been slacking in all my priorities.

Another one of my cousins from HK is going to live with my family. So now we have two boys who will play with me haha... I had so much fun last term playing NBA 2K8 with one of them last term. We'll see...

Week back and some updates

2008-08-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well I got my marks back. This was my worst term acdaemically by far, maybe spiritually as well. Three 60s. And this year is the year with REAL engineering courses, so it does make me sad that I suck at the real thing.

Other than that, being home, I had a few things to do.

Paperwork for offer letter from my job
Tax review by the government. Need to submit some stuff.
Cleaning up my mess of junk I brought back from Loo
Getting a new laptop (tablet PC actually... HP TX2500 series)
Cleaning up house computers
Helping paint the garage floor with protective paint
Helping to install hand rail for basement staircase
Helping figure out how the electrical switches in the house work
Helping install some racks in the garage
Going to the airport to pick up my cousin
Cleaning up my old laptop for my cousin
Helping with some webpage stuff

Yep...

Oh but meanwhile, I have missed two weeks of church and one time of fellowship. I haven't changed much last term. In fact maybe I got even worse. Don't want to give it any thought at the moment.

Back to Toronto, and Vocaloid2 Fun

2008-08-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Coming back to Toronto today

I was having so much fun though

Found out 2 marks. This will be my worst term academically. Have a few things I have to do...

NEED TO BE PACKING haha...

Made with VOCALOID2, Audacity and Windows Movie Maker

First Youtube upload :P

Sayonara Solitaire [Chrno Crusade ED]
さよならソリティア【クロノクルセイド ED 】
Sung by:
初音ミクと鏡音レン
Miku Hatsune and Kagamine Len

5 Exams, 2 Weeks

2008-08-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

Starting in 9 hours.

Hoohaa

2008-07-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have a job now! See you in Toronto September!

Amen to that!

That sinking feeling...

2008-07-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him

Quote on Santification and Justification

2008-07-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

In justification the word to be addressed to man is believe--only believe; in sanctification the word must be "watch, pray, and fight".

J.C. Ryle - Holiness

Term winding down again... Twitter?

2008-07-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

From The Big Picture, Boston.com Photoblog

Update

One week of classes left.

Study, study, study...

Oh... And...

Ya so I have been dropping commitments and still don't have enough time.

I have to do some work... Somehow... This isn't working very well...

Anyways, 2 group projects left. One interview tomorrow. Still yet to find a job. I had an offer as of yesterday, but I didn't take it because it was in Ottawa and really didn't pay enough or was good enough for me to be really motivated. The type of work sounded challenging and was my area of expertise though. I was pretty worried last night about being forced to take the job, because Jobmine is dumb like that. I didn't want to force a job 'sign off' (where I basically make the chances of me getting the job to zero) because that would be a pain in the butt. Anyhow, it seem that it has worked out, so I have one interview tomorrow.

Twittering

I will be a bit lazy with blogging, so maybe I'll Twitter instead and microblog!

See the sidebar, or below:

RSS too...

Motivating Myself to Work...

2008-07-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

I have been tremendously unproductive this term, with respect to academically, spiritually, and physically. And that isn't necessarily anything new, but I really haven't been as depressed about it until recently. The destructive patterns of how I have been living my life have really been getting to me.

I spend hours keeping myself busy without purpose or thinking. This typically involves entertainment. This term it has been a combination of web surfing, computer games, basketball, and technology. It really doesn't change much. I always fall back on the same things when I procrastinate.

When I procrastinate, it is because I don't feel like do something. Specifically, it means that I am unable to find joy in what I do, and don't do it until I am hit with the fear of failure in the case of academics. This applies to my lack of social relationships as well, but since there is no fear involved I find myself more often than not isolating myself completely and going into hermit-mode.

And I continue to feel like junk, unable to move on. So how would I resolve this?

In this past, one thing has worked, and that is by reflecting on who I am, particularly taking on my religion as fulfillment of my identity and purpose. By that, it means embracing that the grace of the God of the Bible, who has graciously elected me to be a son, sealed with the blood of His son.

Even before the idea of 'connecting with people', which is emphasized by self-help guides like this one, I first need an identity. Without an identity, I don't even want to connect with people. I just want to rot in solitude.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
(Psa 16:11)

I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
(Psa 16:2)

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.
(Col 3:2)

I have tried to read a bit of the book "Courage and Calling" by "Gordon T. Smith" at the beginning of the term. It is a book on vocation and calling. It has given me some ideas and some encouragement to do this right. I will pull some ideas from there instead...

God gives me a calling, defined by the identity He gives. By the identity I have in Him, I am then called to a 'specific life purpose' and a 'reason for being'.

Unnatural, frantic, anxious work, work done under pressure of greed or fear or any other inordinate passion, cannot properly speaking be dedicated to God, because God never wills such work directly. He may permit that through no fault of our own we may have to work madly and distractedly, due to our sins, and to the sins of the society in which we live. In that case we must tolerate it and make the best of what we cannot avoid. But let us not be blind to the distinction betwen sound, healthy work and unnatural toil.

Man was made to find work that is...

Meaningful, of significance
Brings pleasure to God

And of course, none of this means anything without some Bible quotes:

There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God,
(Ecc 2:24)

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,
(Col 3:23)

I'll close with this quote:

(God Glorified in Man’s Dependence)
The redeemed have all their objective good in God. God himself is the great good which they are brought to the possession and enjoyment of by redemption. He is the highest good, and the sum of all that good which Christ purchased. God is the inheritance of the saints; he is the portion of their souls. God is their wealth and treasure, their food, their Life, their dwelling- place, their ornament and diadem, and their everlasting honour and glory. They have none in heaven but God; he is the great good which the redeemed are received to at death, and which they are to rise to at the end of the world. The Lord God is the light of the heavenly Jerusalem; and is the “river of the water of life ” that runs, and “the tree of life that grows, in the midst of the paradise of God.” The glorious excellencies and beauty of God will be what will for ever entertain the minds of the saints, and the love of God will be their everlasting feast. The redeemed will indeed enjoy other things; they will enjoy the angels, and will enjoy one another; but that which they shall enjoy in the angels, or each other, or in any thing else whatsoever that will yield them delight and happiness, will be what shall be seen of God in them.

Um... Japan and some stuff...

2008-07-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

Japan

I am feeling behind enough that I am going to dump commitments to focus on school. Now that I am applying for coop Japan, I need have decent marks.

Yes Japan.

But that means that I am not going back to Toronto for the rest of the school term. I have 2 weeks of classes left and less than a month of school left. Sorry boys and girls...

I need to make strides academically. I still have to find myself a job! Nothing new. Yet.

For this coop Japan thing, I basically get to go on an 8 to 12 month coop work term (instead of the typical 4 month) in Japan. I need Japanese language requirements (which I don't have), but I do get training (in BC).

I could get a large range of different jobs, so I'm not quite sure what I will end up with. I just applied so I don't quite know the details. I don't even know if I'll get accepted. But I do know that I need something like a 75% average academically.

Why Japan? I have thought about it, and I couldn't exactly find a good 'Godly' reason to go. I have been praying about it, but it is not a decision that really struck out to me that has 'God wants you to go' all over it. Rather, I am motivated because of all this Japanese culture I have been exposed to, mostly with anime. Also I think I need some sort of overseas experience, or I'll never grow up. I have lived at home for all my past coop work terms, and I really need to get myself out there. I am 21 years old, and that's NOT an age that I should be slacking off like I do. I think it makes perfect sense career-wise as well, in case I do actually get motivated enough to start working in China (which I have some sort of calling for). I hope I get it...

Link to coop Japan thing

Haha...

Update

2008-07-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

Been dropping commitments because I haven't had the time to do what I needed to do. It is mostly a self-control issue.

I still don't have a job. Just got rejected for 3 more jobs. 2 more interviews tomorrow.

I am more concerned with my lack of progress with my academic work now. Job search is like a part time job all by itself.

Been frustrating. I haven't really been thinking much lately. I haven't given myself the time. It'll come.

Delusion

2008-07-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

Your brain lies to you

Interesting article. Makes me realize that most of us only think we know what we are doing. And we can only think...

Updating... & Motives Behind Those Relationships

2008-07-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

Me

Midterm Results were BAD. I actually failed one and bearly did okay on the rest. I am in the progress of doing projects. I need to catch up badly.

A few interviews next week. I hope I get a job. Job hunting takes so much time.

On Taking Advantage of Relationships

The concept of making friends with the opposite gender with 'motives' bothers me. In fact it bothers me a lot. It is hard not to have them running in the background at all. But all this has done for me is turn me away from many potential friendships I could have just had. Personally, it is really easy to envision any girl as 'potential material' quite naturally without trying. It is more of a subconscious reaction that I cannot control.

But it is dumb to restrict myself from relationships just because the desire for getting a girlfriend is so big. I mean, not only am I killing any direct or indirect chance that I would have had, I also lose a friend.

I wish I would befriend some girl like how I befriend guys. I mean, I find people interesting, like them for who they are and it is quite simple at that. Why does it have to be so darn complicated.

-_-

But I can't help to be turned off a little when whoever I meet has a boyfriend, because I wouldn't want to be thought of as flirting with her, and I feel as if there will be some sort of restriction if I try to build a deep friendship. It is also thinking that they have someone better than me to talk to. Heck...

Another wave of midterms over...

2008-06-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

So it was done... 5 midterms in a row...

I didn't do well. I think I might have even failed one. And it is really weighing heavily on my mind right now.

I didn't go on Facebook all of last week. I also skipped out on the commitments that I normally would have had. But I found other ways of using wasting time, namely reading Chinese online novels. I liked them a lot. In fact I spent most of this weekend reading one. There were some parts that were good and some that were just horrendous, but I couldn't stop reading, also because I was so stressed out by exams. I only really managed to study for each exam the night before the exam.

Another thing is was I wasn't able to focus on God at all last week. So right now I am not feeling very in sync. It has to do with the fact that my sleeping schedule is all screwed up. I missed church today.

I also find out what job I have tomorrow night. I really don't know what to expect right now. Worried...

Anyhow that's a wrap...

Patience with Growing

2008-06-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

And he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. And he said to the vinedresser, 'Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none. Cut it down. Why should it use up the ground?' And he answered him, 'Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and put on manure. Then if it should bear fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.'"
(Luk 13:6-9)

Vocaloid and More Life Updates

2008-06-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

Recently got into Vocaloid music. All of a sudden, it became my entire playlist. At least for the short term... This is some awesome stuff!

Vocaloid is actually music synthesizing software originating in Japan. The special thing about it is the feature of synthesizing human voices. And it really doesn't sound bad either! It is one of the most popular things going on in Japan right now.

Anyhow that was the more distracting part of my week. Midterms are coming in a week's time now and I am still not ready. So many distractions. Wii Winning Eleven, manga, and now Nicovideo. And Euro 2008 is coming up. Once NBA Finals gets close, it will be good to watch as well. Why now...

I still don't react very well to stress. Anyhow that's got to change.

God has been so good.

Another one

2008-06-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Been busy. But I am learning that I will never have time to do all the things I want. It is a matter of balance and priorities.

Midterms in a week's time. Interviews ongoing. Status is still unknown. I had an interview for a job in Thornhill I probably have a good chance at landing, which sounds excellent.

Done for the time being.

Yesterday, I went for C4C's campus evangelism for the first time. I didn't expect to talk much, and so I didn't really do much of the talking. But I really learned a lot. I wish I know the gospel better. I know what level my faith is at. Evangelism just made that more clear for me.

Burned out already

2008-05-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like being in school.

This is the most academically behind I have ever been in university. Ever.

I have not been able to fight back.

Chicago Trip May 16-18

2008-05-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

This was the first trip I ever planned outside of my family. And when I say I planned it, it means that I knew what was going to happen. I didn't just 'show up' like I did in London the two times, or the NY trip I went on with my family in Christmas. I was involved in planning everything except for the car rental.

The schedule:
Fri 05/16/08 (day 1) - Rosemont
Wyndham O'Hare

Sat 05/17/08 (day 2) - Des Plaines, Chicago

Comfort Inn O'Hare
University of Chicago
Art Institute of Chicago
Millienium Park
Grant Park/Buckingham Fountain
Water Tower Place/Magnificant Mile

Sun 05/18/08 (day 3) - South Barrington
Willow Creek Community Church

Anyhow, I went with my roommate and his girlfriend. I know both of them well enough from CCF and from them showing up around my house all the time, so it was not too boring even though I was the third wheel. But on the second day, I actually had to tell my roommate not to be so conservative with his girlfriend because they were actually trying to make me not feel awkward. Now that was a kind gesture. I mean, this was nothing compared to the girls Nate and Wil brought into my minivan, each couple in their own row of seats doing their own thing and me driving in the front seat.

I guess I really haven't been this close to a couple for a long time, because they were so conservative! Maybe they are just too fresh, or too uptight and mature to be showing so much intimacy in the way they talk. Or maybe they are just both very intellectual people. I got tired trying to follow what they were saying to each other.

Anyways, I can do something like this again someday.

Anyways, some stuff I bought...

About $100 worth of stuff:
Water Tower Place
A sweater
Chocolates

Frys Electronics
Warcraft 3
Some computer thumbscrews (not shown)
Cheap USB Flashlight

Willow Creek Community Church
Hillsong United - With Hearts As One
Skillet - Collide
David Crowder Band - Remedy

There is still so much stuff in Chicago. We really only had one day around there. It was a fun trip. I would go again someday.

Chicago, IL - Willow Creek Community Church

2008-05-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

I had to post this somewhere. For me, this was the highlight of the trip.

Willow Creek Community Church, 2nd largest church in all of America with 20000 members, with 150 acres of land. A megachurch.

The last picture there is Bill Hybels. He didn't give the sermon, but it was impressive to see a world famous Christian so close.

The service itself was pretty standard. I was more blown away by how big the church than the service itself, so in a sense I was very distracted. I wanted to take more pictures, but the few that I took during service were awkward enough. I had never seen anything close to it. RHCCC is for around 3000, and RHCBC is around 400. Just think proportions. They meet like this every weekend!

Website Link
Wikipedia Link

Chicago Road Trip

2008-05-19T02:46:00.000-07:00

Consider it done!

Now back to reality...

Excited for the Long Weekend Chicago Trip

2008-05-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

Yes

I'm going to Chicago for the long weekend

Haha

I need to do work though.

But heck I need to do something crazy for once

Lunch Time Rant, Uncomfortable Talking with People?

2008-05-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

So I ended up with 3 hours of sleep last night. Pretty typical of what happened spontaneously last school term actually. I need to turn this around somewhat.

I love being spontaneous, but I can't afford not to have some type of plan of how to use my time like this. It just doesn't work. I have no excuse of being so anti-social. I was never much of a planner, so I guess I just have to become more of one.

* * *

I get really unsettled talking to people I don't know well. My tongue stumbles and I fumble a lot. I think it has a lot to do with confidence. It is really weird because it only becomes an issue when you grow up. I remember playing with all these cocasian kids (well technically Jewish) when I was in elementary school and now I find it hard even approach any of them anymore. My best friends were Canadians at one time. Now everyone I know is Asian. To be honest, I feel a bit of inferior to cocasians just because I am so Asian. I think the key is that I need to learn to embrace myself.

Late night rant & What's your best major quiz

2008-05-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

Random Quiz I Took

What is your Perfect Major?created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Philosophy

You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence.

Philosophy

92%

Sociology

92%

Journalism

83%

Anthropology

75%

Psychology

75%

Biology

58%

Mathematics

58%

Engineering

50%

Linguistics

50%

Chemistry

50%

English

42%

Theater

42%

Art

33%

Dance

17%

This tells me I should be majoring in philosophy or sociology. Too bad I...:

unwilling to choose anything that doesn't guarantee me some money
have terrible memory
am no good at languages

Maybe my program isn't the most interesting thing I could ever put myself to, but I sadly chose it for these reasons:

I could do it
I would be different from my parents (who are in the medical field)
My family has always suggested it aggressively
It makes money

I don't think the reasons have changed too much today, but my family plays less of a role since I realize that they really know nothing about engineering. Now it is coming down to 'I could do it' and 'it makes money'.

* * *

So today marks another weekday where I did no useful school work at all. Another day where I felt like I really wanted to talk to someone and didn't know who to talk to. I got this headache from playing too much basketball yesterday and not getting enough sleep at night.

2 hours - Wii
4 hours - collapse to nap in exhaust
4 hours - procrastinating and surfing... right now

My new roommate this term is actually in my class. He has this hobby he is really devoted to, but I see that he is actually disciplined enough to work even though he spends so much time on his hobbies.

There is no valid reason for me not to find some people to relate to even though I am in engineering. I am losing out on lack of discipline and passion.

Busy School...

2008-05-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

It isn't surprising that my lack of time management skills has led to me losing a good 8 hours I could have focused on things I had to do. I wasted a lot of time today on nothing. I would be able to blame it on my headache, but I got it from playing too much basketball today so that wouldn't work.

Anyhow, here's the outlook for this week:

review old course notes and last week's material (lots of material to go through)
redo my resume to apply to jobs starting this Friday
plan a bit for the upcoming trip to Chicago
C4C discipleship meeting
C4C weekly meeting
possibly CCF meeting?

Turns out I haven't found an intramural team as of yet. And I wanted to play so badly. Now I have to beg people to let me join.

The righteous live by faith

2008-05-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

(Hab 2:3) For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.

(Hab 2:4) "Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by his faith.

First Week & Work Term Report

2008-05-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

YES! Mostly done my work term report! I can't explain how relieved I am! Only proofreading left! It is late right now, but I just wanted to express how relieved I am... 22 pages double spaced with tables of contents and title pages...

So the main reason I need to come back home tomorrow is because I need to pick up my suit for interviews. I was going to go back to my last employer, but that is no longer possible because of the circumstances that have arisen, so I must do interviews again if I want a job this coop work term coming in September. I do feel bad for having done nothing for mother's day, but it is what it is.

I had a lot less class than usual because I had no tutorials or makeup lectures, which add up to around 8 more hours of class I would have had on top.

I am feeling like I am falling behind in classes already, mainly because I don't remember things from last term. I am also having terrible sleep patterns because of the inefficient way I have been working.

Off to shower now, at 3:30 am. Prayerfully awaiting tomorrow.

Bunny Comics Fun

2008-05-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

This stuff is SO VERY AWESOME.

Link to http://www.bunny-comic.com

This relieves the work term report writing stress I have been having...

I am back in Toronto this Friday because of circumstances.

Opps and I realized that I posted a video in the wrong blog. Gone it is now.

Ticking down...

2008-05-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

Wow my self-control has been non-existent for the last three days. I burned all my time in a blink.

I can't afford to do this when school kicks in. I still feel like I need a break. This four month cycle is really killing me. Or rather, maybe I shouldn't have went to the states during Christmas. Vacations cause more stress than it relieves. I relax better sleeping in for a week and having nothing on my plate to complete.

My work term report is maybe at 5%. I haven't even started to pack and I am moving in tomorrow.

Oh well, everything will work itself out.

Still living like I'm in high school. Opps.

This is pathetic. Just a little. At least I think so.

A lot to look forward to in the coming four months. Yay.

Counting down till school starts again

2008-05-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my last day for my coop work term.

Now I have some important things to do before school begins.

Pack for school
Work term report get as much done as I can since it is due very very soon
Decide whether or not I should go back to the place I worked at last term

So that will keep me busy all the way till school starts.

I gathered a lot of bad habits this term as well, so I need to figure out what to do there. I am probably too busy to go out.

Yearning...

2008-04-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

For the last little while, I have been yearning to talk to someone more and more, especially now that I have this work term report I have not been able to start on. But not just to anyone, because I have specific issues I need to address.

To be honest, moments like this make me want to get myself someone like that so bad.

On a side note, it seems dumb to want to get into a dating relationship to fulfill my needs alone, even though it may seem like a viable solution. I know this is what people do, but I know this isn't the only way.

Update

2008-04-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

Watching NBA playoff basketball has been awesome. Then watching basketball makes me want to play basketball, even if it's just on the PS2. I am excited about the idea of playing basketball again at Waterloo. It's just one of the things I know to do and will keep doing given the chance.

Been cheering on the Houston Rockets and angry at the Raptors. Both teams won today. Yay...

I love how the Rockets play. Yao is injured and T-mac is technically leading the team, but the team itself has no stars other than T-mac, and win games by defensive discipline and hustle. It is just unfortunate that they lost twice at home. I want to see them win, even if they are the underdogs. Much props to Rick Adelman for being an amazing coach. In contrast, I got so angry at Sam Mitchell for his dumb coaching for those first two Raptor games. It was a complete sham.

Been procrastinating on my work term report. I have nothing done at all. I do have most of the materials I will likely use. But the report itself wont be pretty.

Have been watching too much TV. I usually am so tired from work that I collapse in front of the TV and stay for hours, which makes me even more tired. Unsatisfied with the TV I watch (because I will end up feeling like crap), I end up browsing the internet till something like 1 am. I wake at 6:30 am daily.

I am horrible at managing sitting jobs right now. It takes so much energy out of me that I cannot function properly. I don't do anything for my family.

Moving back to Waterloo in the Saturday after. School starts very soon.

I am so not ready.

No Such Thing as Free Will

2008-04-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

Some people believe that they have free will, or an independent power to 'make a decision' apart from any exterior influence, or self-determinism. By free, it means that a person's power of consciousness makes decisions, unconstrained by anything external to it. Some science is shedding light on the whole myth of 'free will'.

Brain Scanners Can See Your Decisions Before You Make Them

The study suggests that the brain determines your choices long before they are actually made. Conscious choice, as the article states, can be called an "illusion". The brain does the work of making our choices choice before we can be aware of anything. In otherwords, the consciousness doesn't even kick in and when we choose things.

On the possibility of the existence of a 'free will' that affects your choices:

"We can't rule out that there's a free will that kicks in at this late point,... but I don't think it's plausible."

This is the way I had always thought about it. Anyways, life is less controlled than you think. The choices anyone makes are not choices made by their own 'free will', but a matter of circumstance leading to the decision being made.

Last month of yet another work term

2008-04-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

So here we go again.

I was pretty slack again this term. I might have failed my PDENG web course and have to redo parts of it, which would be a royal pain I'd have to bear with. I have a work term report to write too, which should get something on tab to be productive. Also, it's that time again and the government wants my money...

The weather is turning for the better, and that's getting my mood up a bit when I wake up in the morning to catch the bus. It isn't so fun to stand be outside even for the 10 minutes that you're out there when snow is everywhere and it's 10 deg below zero. Combined with lack of sleep, it makes me literally want to hibernate in a hole. I'm not a big fan of Canadian winters, especially since I don't skate, ski, play ice hockey or any 'winter sport'.

I guess I am glad work term is over. I didn't make much of an effort to make friends or anything, and the other coop is really warming up to some people. He also seems to be doing more interesting things and throwing in regular overtime hours as well. People skills I lack :P. Me? I can't wait to leave when my hours are up, because by then my bum is sore from sitting and my eyelids are dropping every few minutes from staring at the CRT all day. I end up going to the washroom quite regularly lol. That's not to say I'm not productive, but I am learning that I don't like these sitting jobs so much, especially ones where you are required to sit plump at the same spot to work your brains for the 7-8 hours you are there. Oh yay engineering.

Work term is winding down.

School will start again.

Mix of 'yays' and 'gaos'... The usual I guess?

A look back at my high school social life online

2008-04-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

I don't have much recollection of what happened in high school. My memories of elementary school are even more vague. I am not very good at remembering things at all. Both my short term and long term memory are pretty useless.

So I always had my old MSN and ICQ logs.

I happen still have my logs spanning all the way back to 2002. That's more or less since grade 9.

I was way less active on instant messaging than I thought I was. To the best of my memory, I never chatted with anyone on the phone either.

A friend of mine recently described my high school impression as 'anti-social' at school. I never ever thought that way before, but now I know it might have been true. Most of my logs are about homework. Other than that, I talked about fellowship or computer stuff. I talked about FFYINET a lot when it was around. Overall, I didn't talk to a lot of people at all.

Maybe I ought to turn this around.

Gaming and what's left this term

2008-04-02T22:53:00.000-07:00

I am losing time to surfing the net as usual, going though my usual NBA scores/Dailytech/Redflagdeals/Manga/etc routine. But this work term was really lost to gaming more than anything else. The last few days have also been spent playing video games.

I recently wanted to get better at Smash Brawl and needed a bit of time with it, because I kept losing really badly to my friends. I am probably no good right now, but at least I finally learned my controls and hopefully I'll do better. I was always pretty bad at the game, way back when I was playing the N64 version. I have been trying to use Marth. I mainly like Marth because he's pretty fast. I have a thing for sword yielding heros.

Smash Brawl is fun, but only because I know people who play it. To be honest, I had much more fun playing Gundam Seed Destiny Zafu VS Rengou II on PS2 this term even though that was a Japanese version. It is a 3D arcade style third person fighter game, which makes it comparable to Smash Brawl in that aspect. This Gundam game took up a lot of time this term, probably at least 3 whole weeks. I finally finished story (PLUS) mode this term, and I started some time last work term. I didn't bother finishing the routes, but I did some of those as well.

I also went up to the Tier 3 challenges for Need for Speed Carbon on PS2. The game was pretty fun, but I have gotten to a point that I could no longer win any races, including the turf challenges. I have no patience to finish the remainder of the game. This game took a week at least.

NBA 2K8 for PS2 was another game I spent time on this term. Playing with my cousin was really fun. I recommend NBA 2Kx over NBA Live anyday.

Other than that, I spent time on a JinYong ShenDiao on PC and Samurai Warriors 2 on PS2 for a few days.

Ranking for my console games this term:

Gundam Seed Destiny
NBA 2K8
Smash Brawl
NFS Carbon
Samurai Warriors 2

Thoughts

I had fun playing console video games this term. But reflecting on how I used my time makes me realize how much time I burned up. I could have done other things. I can still do other things. Heck I would have been better off playing DOTA, because at least that way I can relate to people. I was seriously considering buying Warcraft 3 brand new just so that I could start playing again, but I reconsidered the 40 bucks I would have had to pay for it.

I am not living my life as a Christian ought. I am doing more than falling behind in the world. This is beyond weak.

What's left this term

One month left.

Things I must do:

work till end of April
work term report!!!
taxes
get ready for school next month

Things I really need to do or continue to do

daily devos
reflect on a verse weekly (and memorize if possible)
read one Christian book
find people I can talk to again (I don't know who to go to these days)
get to prayer meeting weekly
go to church Sundays
exercise (for looks and fitness I guess)
get more sleep

2008-03-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

(Jas 4:8a) Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Lost my Wallet - First time in my life

2008-03-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have lost many things in the past. The worst thing I had lost before was my new bicycle, which I bought for a clip over $150. I locked it up one night and it wasn't there the next time I wanted to use it.

Today I lost my wallet. I had around $50 worth of cash, $20 Damon Stoudimre phone card with like $15 left way back when he was still a Toronto Raptor (at least a decade old), all three of my library cards (Vaughan, Markham, Richmond Hill), my health card, my brand new driver's license I just renewed, my debit card, my Shoppers Drug Mart card, my PetroPoints card, my Waterloo student card, my GO Transit Student id which I drove all the way to Waterloo to get working one day, a few TTC tokens and around $2 worth of loose change. Estimated value of the wallet is around $100.

I need to drive into Waterloo this weekend so I will be picking a replacement driver's license asap.

This is what happened. I wanted to catch the 5:35 pm bus, and I was already running late. The elevator is semi-broken, so I waited over 5 minutes already. By that time it was around 5:30 pm. I am still not getting a lot of sleep these days, so I was exhausted as well. Anyways I ran down to the GO bus station because I knew I had a few minutes to buy my student monthly pass, so I hurriedly ran into the store.

I actually pulled out my wallet then, took my credit card out with my GO student ID out to buy my ticket. I actually put back the GO student ID, then waited for the lady to give me my pass. Time was ticking, so as soon as I got my credit card back with the receipts and bus ticket, I ran towards the GO bus that was scheduled to leave immediately. I didn't put my credit card in my wallet and just held on to it with my right hand. I don't recall at all what happened to my wallet at this point.

I got into the GO bus, and grabbed my pocket for my wallet so I could show my buspass - nothing. After scrambling for around 10 seconds, I ran off the bus back to the store, backtracking for my wallet. Still nothing. So I all I had left was my credit card, my phone in my other pocket, my work bag with nothing in it but loose papers, and my lunchbox.

I spent the next 20 minutes looking for it. The bus I boarded for a moment left without me, and at the time I had no idea whether or not my wallet was on that bus at that moment. I ended up boarding the last GO Bus back up to where I live. It is $4.50 for one way and I will have to do this 4 more times counting tomorrow and Monday.

So now I have to get everything reported and replaced. I have to pull this off at work too because I get off work really late. I am also missing my GO bus student Id, which I have no incentive to get back because I have to go to Waterloo on a weekday when the registrar is still open, go back downtown to show the stamped slip. I did it last time and it really wasn't very exciting. I am going to have to sneak by the driver. Heck I got the ticket already. Stupid rules are stupid.

Oh and I also lost the security card I got from work. That's $60.

For now, I need to get my driver's license back first. If I don't get anything back tomorrow, I will need to get everything terminated and replaced throughout tomorrow because I can't let them have whatever I have during the weekend.

God why does this have to happen? I have no idea. My day was so good until this happened.

So when I got home, I was pretty depressed and went on to speed unlock my Smash Brawl.

Yes this has crushed my faith even more. As if I wasn't bad enough already.

God why don't you help yourself be more trusted. I am so lost right now. I want to do this right, but I need your help.

Got a Wii... So what?

2008-03-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

(Generic Wii Picture Wikipedia)

So my sister picked up a Wii from the States last weekend. Today was my first day wasting my time on it. That was $250.

The first thing I did was go to Amazon and order WiiPlay, an extra NunChuck and Smash Brawl. That burned me for $120.

My sister didn't check the package properly, so the WiiSports disc was missing. So now we have Super Mario Galaxy instead, which is fine except that my sister only plays the stupid games. She bought the Wii for the dumb WiiSports and WiiPlay games. Now we have to get WiiSports separately.

No I am not a big fan of Wii. I don't get the hype, even though we have one now. Heck we even have Smash Brawl. I have played Strikers, WiiSports, WiiPlay so far. I guess I'm supposed to be more patient.

But all in all I did spend probably around 3 hours playing around with the Wii yesterday and today, mostly on Brawl. I speed unlocked all but Toon Link and Wolf, because those take 100 more matches = another 30 minutes of mindless clicking. Speed unlock was pretty fast.

Anyways my Wii is ready. I just need to pick up a copy of Wii Sports and I'm set :P

Friends

2008-03-23T00:25:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say...

I feel so alive when I am with people I can call friends.

Thanks.

What to do...

2008-03-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Gambling
Doing drugs
Getting other people to do drugs
Drunkenness
Getting other people drunk
Stealing
Selling counterfeit items and making a profit
Cuddling suggestively with a girl who has a boyfriend
Sneaking underage girls into clubs

Am I supposed to tell them what they are doing wrong? What's best for them? Can I tell them?

Is it a matter of my pride? Or is it something objectively good for them?

In my hypocrisy and weakness, do my words mean anything?

What do I do?

My Good Friday Reflection

2008-03-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

I did not make an attempt to prepare my heart for Easter in any particular way. In fact, the reason I went into London last weekend was to see the Caisa fashion show (which we never saw) and to go to drink in a bar (which turned out to be clubbing). But it was actually Palm Sunday the next day after when I drove myself and some friends to church. I had no idea.

As I have already inferred or directly talked about multiple times on this blog, I don't think I have a good hold my faith right now, or Jesus Christ, of 'loving' God in the sense that I know is possible.

At West London Alliance Church, pastor Mike preached a sermon on 'opening the door to Jesus' with a focus on evangelism and opening doors in the lives of others to Jesus. Throughout the sermon, I was looking at myself, distracted by the fact that I never seem to have really opened my heart, both because of my inability and my unwillingness to have this faith. That feeling extended to the fact that I still feel almost nothing for evangelism right now. I don't do anything out of the ordinary to try to make it possible to make Jesus known.

After three whole months in Toronto, I have yet to settle down in a church. So it is only expected that I wouldn't have moved forwards. My devos have been inconsistent, and I have been continually preferring actions I know are sinful.

Before God, I am woefully inadequate. I haven't just failed in the past, but fail continually.

Easter is the reason I can hold on.

I have been on the book of Hebrews recently...

Justified and redeemed by the blood of the only perfect life. The perfect and everlasting covenant bounded by His death.

(Heb 8:10) For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

I stray so far.

(Heb 10:23) Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Because He who promised is faithful, hold fast without wavering.

Why I suddenly stop blogging

2008-03-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I go on blogging sprees and blog a lot, but a lot of the time I go on huge droughts. Here is a list of reasons why I stop:

I am feeling discouraged and anti-social
I am too physically tired from lack of sleep or just feeling the blues because of the ridiculous weather
I have done something that makes me really ashamed of myself, to the point that I can't face my friends
I find that things are better off unsaid (to others anyways, so I end up journalling it)
I want to say things I really mean, and I can't do that unless I consciously focus my mind
I am having too much fun somewhere else

I came up with these rather quickly...

But the truth is, when I choose not to blog, I am usually feeling very discouraged, and little depressed and maybe angry too. My blog here and my journal is reflective of my mind-state.

My posts are an even mixture of spontaneous posts and posts that stem from my journaling. So when the blog here is blank for an extended time, my journal doesn't fare very well either.

Scattered Post

2008-03-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

Life is so busy.

My Day

I wake up at 6:30 am to 6:50 am depending on mood, eat breakfast and check the weather on the TV, then walk outside to the bus stop to catch the 7 or 7:30 am bus. An hour and a bit later, I arrive at work. I work till lunch time, then proceed to microwave my lunch and mingle with people around whom I cannot really be myself. After lunch I proceed to work like a robot for a few more hours until it is time to leave - 4 pm to 5. I get home at 5:30 pm exhausted.

On Work

I know I don't even work that much compared other people. It is only a 7.5 hour work shift with an hour lunch. But I find that I don't even want to stay in the office.

I take pride in my work, but I really can't say that I enjoy it. I mean, my work potentially has decades of value, since the stuff I design ends up sitting in buildings for quite a long time. People are going to build it the way I specified it. Anyways, I find it hard to enjoy anything in life, so maybe this isn't so bad after all. I just hate the fact that the office is so quiet. When people are working, they don't care about anyone else. I leave the office quietly because I don't want to disturb anyone. I don't think anyone cares enough to greet me when I leave. I feel dispensable, and probably am.

I am also suffering from lack of sleep. I spend a lot of time on browsing websites I shouldn't be on otherwise.

On Progress

So little time left in the work term. So little progression.

On the plus side of things, I have gone out a lot more this work term. I also did way less computer stuff and have been helping around the house with handy stuff instead, which is really only marginally better. But I wouldn't be doing any handy stuff if I hadn't already tweaked up all the computers in the house already last work term. I am so bored.

Right now, my real priorities are still about managing time and being conscious of life. I keep trying to live in complete ignorance of the laws of the universe. In arrogance I continue on blindly.

I am very inefficient. I need to push myself to learn something new. I think that will make me feel I am moving forward.

Social stuff

And I am at a standstill socially because I can ignore my inadequacies and be pretty satisfied because of how introverted I am. My family is very much like me, so I didn't notice at all until I thought about it more and more recently.

I am not really making friends at the office, or anywhere right now. CCF was good for a bit, but I didn't make any close friends. I am not doing enough with the friends that I have.

On meeting new people...

I have not been at a bar or club in my life. I don't shop for my clothes. I hardly ever cook. I hate wearing jeans. I dress the same way I used to dress from high school, with the exception of a polo shirt or two.

Never mind getting married, I will never have any more friends at this rate.

When all is said and done, I need to do more.

I am thinking of trying a bit of alcohol to jumpstart this. I have rules for myself though:

I am NOT going to get drunk.
I am NOT drinking expensive alcohol (that means I probably stick to beer).
I am NOT drinking alone.

Quickie

2008-03-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

Last week wasn't a good week. I made no progress on work. This work term is still going to ruins right now.

This weekend, watching 'How I met your mother' makes me think about the possibilities of meeting people and going to bars to socialize. It is opening up new thoughts. Neither of my parents have ever been bar goers. They met in a Christian fellowship during their nurse internship programme. Apart from school, work, and church, I know no one. In fact I don't know many people from any of those three. So right now I might proceed to try something else.

This is for the sake of being human. Something to think about for now. No actions yet.

March 08 Rant

2008-03-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

I know I could do better than this

Two months have gone my in my work term. I have made so little progress, done so little.

I had no passion. No direction. No thoughts about what I should or should not do. I have been keeping my consciousness at rest, and let my life flow by without taking a hold.

Living otherwise is tiring, but living like this makes me feel like I am disappearing.

So many doubts. So many questions. So many possibilities. So lost.

Specifics to come.

Hibernating

2008-01-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of things I can do...
But I am choosing to be in my igloo...

Let me continue my slumber...
Until my life is made asunder...

End of Year Post

2007-12-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

After my 4 day family New York trip, I have burned up 4 days more or less wasting my time, not that I haven't been doing anything, but that I haven't been living consciously. I skipped out on a group gathering Thursday, fellowship potluck at my old home church Friday, and church today in the morning. I probably could have joined a few more group gatherings if I just asked. And when I get into this mood, my devos go all out of whack too. So I am not really ending this year on a high note. I was and still am feeling pretty burned out from the combination of post-exam blues and family stress.

Marks from last term turned out okay, so I am pretty happy about passing the term. Academically I fared better than the term I had before. But I don't think I made significant strides spiritually despite doing more for CCF and what not. My heart just hasn't been there. But I am really quite happy about the little progress that I saw.

I start working next Wednesday for my four month work term to start officially.

A lot to look forward to this coming year. A lot of things to try. A lot of things to improve on.

So a late Christmas greeting to everyone and also... Happy new year...

Fall 07 Exams are Over!

2007-12-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

Game on!

I survived! Or well... It's over! 5 exams...

My mind is still not over my school term yet, nor is my body. I have had really screwed up sleeping patterns for the last week or so. I had 2 exams starting at 9 am in the morning and 1 starting at 7:30 pm. I had to adjust my sleeping patterns for each one (well I didn't have to, but my cramming sessions made it so). So I actually may have pulled off an all-nighter or two, depending on how you define it. I slept as late (or early) as 10 am, but then I would get at least 6 hours of sleep. I have woken up as late as 7:30 pm.

Well at least I woke up properly today. I was dead tired.

I almost thought that this last exam I just had was going to get snowed in because the weather was ridiculous for the last few days. The prof was 15 minutes late, and the majority of the class had to wait in the hallway because the bigger of the two exam rooms was still locked. They had to wait for campus police to open the door.

After exams, I really only did two things:

basketball
eat out for dinner at Lucy's

All you can eat mussels! See pics below...

This marked the first time I had been in a proper restaurant (non-fast food) for a few weeks. The last time I ate at a restaurant was with my parents when they came to visit me last month.

Actually I didn't like the mussels all that much. By my fifth plate I had more than enough. Then I got bored started examining my mussels and realized why I have this fear of shell-foods - They look so ugly! You end up eating all their intestines and guts or whatever else is inside it. My appetite dipped after that, and I had a hard time finishing my last plate.

Anyway, I am still feeling the effects of the meal right now (好鬼熱氣) right now.

I will be back home Thursday... Don't exactly know what I going to do... Lots of snow shoveling and hibernating for a bit...

I loved this term. I think it has been my happiest term yet.

A huge mess

2007-12-10T03:52:00.000-08:00

From BBC pictures: South Korean oil transport disaster (by HK registered ship)... Worst oil spill ever recorded...

I messed up this weekend. Didn't do enough studying and my sleep schedule is completely reversed. Even missed church as a result.

Cleaning up is going to be hard...

A little down I guess?

Not alone

2007-12-07T00:18:00.000-08:00

Again from BBC pictures. Forgot which day. A bunch of Christmas lights in Japan... Pretty...

I just had a couple of pretty fun days in a row. Settlers of Catan, hot pot for my roommate's birthday, and eating very tasty 和菜 (takeout Chinese dishes) together, classes ending.

Other than that, exam stress is really killing me... In more ways that one. I need prayer, but not merely for academics, but for really seeing God through all the stress. Consciousness slips when I am under stress. So does my faith. When I cease to think, I cease to think about God.

I am going to keep locking myself up. That's the only way I can work confidently - like a machine. You wont hear from me for a while I think. I'm sorry.

Tired

2007-11-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

Pictures from NASA's Visible Earth

(Jer 12:5) If you have raced with men on foot, and they have wearied you, how will you compete with horses? And if in a safe land you are so trusting, what will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?

(Col 3:2) Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

Sorry I seem like I haven't been around...

2007-11-25T22:20:00.000-08:00

Screenshots from Minami-Ke. It's a dumb and funny anime appreciated only by those who have a very peculiar taste. Think Azumanga Daioh, Lucky Star, Poni Pani Dash, Full Metal Panic Fumoffu, and the like... Excellent way to think about nothing for 20 minutes, at least for me...

Somehow this scene reminded me of the kind of person that I have been for the last few years. I have been filtering out so many things that I should pay more attention to... Namely God, family and friends...

I remember vaguely when I used to be pretty energetic and upbeat about many things. I am so tired, but I don't do much of anything. Not many things catch my attention, even though I know they ought to.

Breakfast is easy to do. I should really message some people up. I am not that busy.

I am 20 moving onto 21... No man in me yet. I have so many questions about what I should do next with myself! Yet I have no time to figure it out for myself, nor anyone to ask.

Heavy workload

2007-11-19T22:13:00.000-08:00

From BBC News in Pictures again

I am getting busier. It doesn't stop... I am not coping very well. I don't have time for much of anything.

Must keep running (Heb 12:1)

Here's the outlook:

Nov 23 - ODE group project due
Dec 3 - Dynamics group project due
Nov 29 - Thermo Quiz
Dec 7 - Dynamics Final
Dec 10 - MODs Final
Dec 11 - Digitals Final
Dec 13 - Thermo Final
Dec 17 - ODE Final
...
Home free?

I start working probably January 2.

My del.icio.us...

2007-11-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

Okay... I have reached 1337 saved bookmarks since April 2005. Woot!

It certainly doesnt' feel like I have used del.icio.us for that long. I think I was at around 400 at the beginning of this year, then went on a crazy posting rage after after I found the popular page on del.icio.us

Aha!

If you want to figure out what I am in to, you can pretty much figure it out from my del.icio.us bookmarks. Keep track by subscribing to:
http://del.icio.us/rss/xaueious

If you guys start to deli.icio.us, add me to your network. That way I maybe I will stop being so lazy and add some descriptions to my bookmarks since we would be sharing them...

That was a fun post. Back to work. I have turned into a hermit this week. I have lots of work to do (>-_-)>

By the way, I am removing the shoutbox because I never get real comments otherwise...

Char!s Flashbacks

2007-11-11T23:52:00.000-08:00

Having flashbacks of Char!s and high school because of what's happening at UWCCF.

Boy I wish I knew more back then.

Due

2007-11-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

Shion no Ou - [My dear friend] by [Teruma Aoyama], found on THAT animeblog a while back... Another anime song that makes me love anime so much despite how meaningless it typically is...

I have not been working very diligently at all. My priorities have been non existent even since midterms. Actually I am still getting over my midterm marks.

A little burned out because I had some idea of what I would have liked to do this term, but didn't end up doing it because there wasn't enough time and that I couldn't manage my time. I probably wont end up doing anything else significant for the remainder of this term...

I have had a great term so far - great roommates, settlers, CCF at Waterloo have all been a blessing. Even though my accountability group hasn't been as consistent, I still love the fact that they are always there, and I know they will pray for me if I ask them to. Academically, I passed all my courses so far.

Should I join C4C next term? I have asked myself this question before, and I know I 'should', and that would be the wisest decision. But I know people at CCF and feel more comfortable at CCF, but this comfort really doesn't mean much in terms of my growth. If I abondon CCF, what will happen to it? I haven't been willing to take the leap of faith.

Lots of school left. I want to pass this term first. I hate engineering. It takes my life away.

Ran over

2007-11-05T21:33:00.000-08:00

I have been slowly losing it. I have lasted 2 months and am burning out like how I burned out back at home last term.

Devos have been falling behind. I have been reluctant to go to God. I do have resolved things with God, namely about school and about what I am doing in terms of in my spiritual walk.

I am disappointed.

I need a new perspective.

God has been good. I haven't failed my exams too badly so far. CCF has been good even though it is no where close to where it should be. Same goes for my faith. I am depressed because of fallen expectations, but not because of specific expectations per-say. Yes my marks are down, but that's the only specific expectation that has not been met.

Perspectives change everything.

Learning to love it...

Celebration?

2007-10-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Floods and mudslides in Haiti and the Dominican Republic

I find it amusing that these men can still have so much fun when there's a flood/mudslide going on right underneath their feet... Maybe even inspiring?

In other news...

I HAVE MY JOB!!! I am working around North York next term. NO MORE INTERVIEWS! Pay is average, which is actually excellent by my standards.

I had a total of 8 interviews this term, so more than 10 hours BURNED in total. Very happy to get a job early and not worry about my next work term. It is a nice company. Actually I didn't expect to get the job because I had a horrible interview, but they only screened down to 4 people for the interview for 2 positions, so someone didn't take their offer and I was next up. I actually had no offers and had to wait till yesterday to find out whether or not I was electronically matched with a job.

Now that's one more load off my back... Lots of plans for the remainder of the term. Lots of catchup as well... God knows how I will manage, but I will.

Sweet weekend... New week

2007-10-28T22:14:00.000-07:00

Jason Ka-pwn? I like that name, not so much his game... It works when I play lazy (the whole shooting jumpers thing, cept I have no 3pt range atm)

Raptor basketball NEXT WEEK. Looking forward to AB7's development... Luv it ;)

Okay midterm week sucked. But oh well. Need to pick it up now :P. Looking forward to a reversal. Resisting the devil is key now. Tempted so much and fallen so much for the first bit of the term...

I loved this weekend so much. Relaxed Saturday and Sunday. Good intramural game (49-22 final score). Went to church...

I really couldn't ask for much more from myself or from God at the moment.

Scrap research notes for the doctrine of original sin

2007-10-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

At CCF yesterday, a Muslim approached a few CCF people with this challenge: find the doctrine of original sin the Bible.

In this, I was reminded the whole idea of original sin is foreign to religions outside of Christianity. In fact, even many who call themselves Christians are confused with the question of whether human beings are fundamentally good or evil from birth.

The correct answer is probably that there is a sense that they are good and a sense that they are evil. Original sin explains in which sense humans are fundamentally evil from birth.

I am no scholar and never will be, but I am just posting a few things that reaffirm my faith in the doctrine of original sin and possibly that of a few others.

Defining It

So what is original sin? A definition from Theopedia:

Original sin is the doctrine which holds that human nature has been morally and ethically corrupted due to the disobedience of mankind's first parents to the revealed will of God.

DesiringGod Ministries has the following note via this article:

...as a result of Adam's sin we all enter the world with a fallen nature. This is original sin--the sinful tendencies, desires, and dispositions in our hearts with which we are all born. Thus, original sin is something inherent in us--it is a morally ruined character. The original sin that we are all born with manifests itself throughout our lives in actual sins--the actions, thoughts, and feelings we have that violate God's moral commands. So our sinful hearts (original sin) cause us to make sinful choices, think sinful thoughts, and feel sinful feelings (actual sins). We are not sinners because we sin; rather, we sin because we are sinners. We are all born totally imprisoned in original sin. There is no island of goodness left in us.

Another definition coming from the Westminister Shorter Catcheism Q 17-19:

Q. 17. Into what estate did the fall bring mankind?
A. The fall brought mankind into an estate of sin and misery.

Q. 18. Wherein consists the sinfulness of that estate whereinto man fell?
A. The sinfulness of that estate whereinto man fell consists in the guilt of Adam's first sin, the want of original righteousness, and the corruption of his whole nature, which is commonly called original sin; together with all actual transgressions which proceed from it.

Q. 19. What is the misery of that estate whereinto man fell?
A. All mankind by their fall lost communion with God, are under his wrath and curse, and so made liable to all miseries in this life, to death itself, and to the pains of hell forever.

The opposite view is known in Christian circles as pelagianism, which is Christian heresy.

Who believes that?

According to Wikipedia, the doctrine of original sin is actually rejected by Muslims, heretic sects such as Ladder-Day-Saints, and modern Judaism alike.

Original sin is fundamental to Christianity. Denial of original in one form or another is none other than heresy.

Implications

Original sin carries the implication that human beings are utterly helpless to save themselves from the wrath of God apart from a spiritual rebirth, since they are born 'into sin' therefore 'dead to God' from birth, meaning they need God Himself to make them 'born again' in a spiritual sense so they can now become 'alive to God'. With the doctrine of original sin, all human beings are born into a state whereby they must face death as well as eternal condemnation, by default.

If the concept of original sin does not stand, than human beings are cursed solely on the basis of their sinful actions resulting from their sinful choices during their lives, by their 'liberatian free will'

Paul uses the term 'flesh' to describe this state of original sin a few times in the Epistles.

Some Verses

(Gen 8:21) And when the LORD smelled the pleasing aroma, the LORD said in his heart, "I will never again curse the ground because of man, for the intention of man's heart is evil from his youth. Neither will I ever again strike down every living creature as I have done.

(Psa 14:2) The LORD looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God.
(Psa 14:3) They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.

(Psa 51:5) Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.

(Jer 17:9) The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

(Joh 15:4) Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.

(Rom 5:12) Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned--

(Rom 6:23) For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

(Eph 2:1) And you were dead in the trespasses and sins
(Eph 2:2) in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--
(Eph 2:3) among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

Resources

Monergism :: Original Sin
What is the biblical evidence for original sin?
What is the difference between original sin and imputed sin?

More valuable resources can be found via:
Monergism Search

If answering specifically to Muslims, Answering Islam seems to be a good resource:
Search on Answering Islam

Burned again

2007-10-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

4/5 midterms are done, but this one was my worst one yet. Differential equations. All or nothing type exam. I only finished1/4 questions. Good news was that most of the class bombed it.

Current estimate of marks

Bracket 40% to 80%

DE > THERMO > DYNAMICS > DIGITALS

Midterm week progression

2007-10-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

California wildfires...
Photo set 1
Photo set 2

3/5 exams have been written. I believe I passed on all of them, but likely had less than 80% on all of them. I don't have the discipline it takes to get better marks right now. I keep thinking about my first year marks, but I need to get over that now and just work with what I have with who I am.

I am actually not working very efficiently even though I have exams right now.

Another thing that is really bothering me is the fact that my walk with God hasn't progressed anywhere in particular, in that I am still not able to believe much more than on an intellectual level, making me unable and unwilling to commit my mind to the matter altogether. I have had a very anxious week, but I couldn't have any sense of peace to feel that I have been trusting God this week.

And it just so happens that my verse of the week was:

(1Pe 5:6) Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,
(1Pe 5:7) casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
(1Pe 5:8) Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Back to work now. Entertainment was great tonight after a long but intense game of 5 player Settlers of Catan. Love it.

Crisis

2007-10-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have been out of it for this week. I have been trying to study, but efficiency is very low. As an example, I have been home for 6 hours and I have done no work today.

I had another interview today, marking interview #6. I actually missed the in-person interview yesterday, so I had a phone interview replacement today instead after a brief scare to have to see my coop coordinator to resolve the issue. I got an email sent to me at 3 pm Tuesday telling me to get to an interview Wednesday morning at 8 am for the group interview and 10 am for the actual interview, both of which I missed. That caused much stress.

This week, I have been getting at least 6 hours of sleep in a day, but I just have not been able to focus in class or with my studies at all. My devos are not working either because I would read something and forget it within minutes of finishing, which defeats the entire point of having devos in the morning. On top of that, I lost my wallet today. Hopefully I just left it at my interview, or else I am in big trouble because I keep everything in my wallet: WatCard, credit card, SIN card (dumb move), health card, driver's license, all my cash, debit card. Well everything. More stress.

Now school stress.

(Ecc 10:17) Happy are you, O land, when your king is the son of the nobility, and your princes feast at the proper time, for strength, and not for drunkenness!

Crash and burn

2007-10-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

Picture from today's BBC News in pictures

Scary crash. 15 truck pileup, 3 people dead, 10 people injured. Southern California freeway tunnel in the US.

Must not burn myself out... Hopes up...

I think I am screwed

2007-10-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

After intramural soccer and CCF football, a failed attempt to light our furnace, and a growling stomach due to physical over-exhaustion for the last 2 days, I am probably going to barely pass my midterms, if not fail them completely.

I am not kidding.

I always do horribly during midterms. I can't study and have class at the same time. I am horrible at writing midterms.

Thoughts on Prayer

2007-10-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

(Mar 1:35) And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.

We had a Bible study on Mark 1:35-39 today. I technically co-led the study, but I didn't get a chance to talk about one of the points that really struck me when I was researching about this passage, so I am going to talk about it here...

I dug it up from reading Charles Spurgeon's sermon, Sermon #1769, BEFORE DAYBREAK WITH CHRIST.

It relates to the question: Why did Jesus pray?

Beyond the ordinary answer of Jesus' need to life up His day and desires up to God, there was a point I never caught before:

Jesus desired greatly to pray. The primary motivation for Jesus' prayer was because He was connected so intimately with God the Father that He desired Him intensely.

Spurgeon illustrates this using a conversation of a woman who came up to him to tell him that she was feeling so conformed to the mind and will of God that she did not feel the need to pray.

Spurgeon said:

Our Lord, because He was perfect, longed perpetually to draw near unto God.

Prayer is driven primarily by a desire to be in the presence of God. Supplication and intercession contribute to this by lifting up desires that bring about the spreading of the beauty of the glory of God. It is no merely about asking God for things, but a time to be in the presence of God.

Now a typical Sunday school answer becomes alive. This was something I needed.

Winter '08 job search

2007-10-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

Well I had my fifth interview today. In my opinion, it didn't go very well, but it was somewhat intentional because this is more or less of a backup option. The last thing I want them to do is to rank me first, but I am pretty sure I got ranked because I can do the job. So far, all my interviews have stated good pay, which is great because my pay was horrible for the last three terms.

Having applied to 27 jobs, I got selected for interviews in 7 of them. I applied to about the same amount of jobs last term and ended up with 3 interviews. My last work term probably looks really good on my resume. I still might have more interviews coming in, but the main fish have been reeled in. Excellent...

My 2 other interviews are on midterm week! That is going to kill me because I am really struggling academically.

Ran into Tonia today.

CCF Bible study tomorrow. I'm co-leading. Pray for it and pray for me...

October 07 Update

2007-10-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

I got really bored so here I am to blog. This is a much better alternative than wasting my time on my usual websites anyway.

If you guys have noticed, I launched another blog to put some of the less personal stuff that amused me but really has nothing to do with how I am doing personally called xauamuse. So this blog is going to be more relevant to how I am actually doing and what I am actually thinking or doing.

Today marks 'one month' since lectures began. 2B has been tough, and I have been falling behind once again. I do have the excuse of being sick most of last week with a bad cough and a very mild headache, but no one is going to give me my time back. I couldn't really say that I was not responsible for making myself sick by indulging myself in my time-wasting hobbies and other things I have done that are better off left unsaid.

Of the things I have wanted to commit to this term, I have been going to CCF regularly. In terms of physical activity, I have basketball and soccer for cardio, but still really lacking in the strength training department. Due to motivation issues, I haven't gone to church as regularly as I anticipated.

I am not feeling as depressed as last term, and have a more realistic and optimistic view on the things I have been or not been doing. Maybe my expectations are dipping towards fatalistic levels, but at least I am comfortable with the pace my life is going now. If I burn out, it is because of unrealistic expectations. I am trying very hard not to burn out by reducing my expectations.

I have had four interviews already and another one coming tomorrow afternoon, so my coop work-term outlook is looking great at the moment with prospects of being in Toronto again.

I am waiting to be set aflame again. For now I wait.

Fencing myself in for now

2007-10-01T23:44:00.000-07:00

I knew that I would regret the fact that this blog was opened to way too many people. But then again, that was the only way I knew for anyone to even be mildly interested in my life. I am not one of those people who can setup a private blog and have people come. The same concept applies to real life. People never come. Instead, I shall just keep it to myself. I don't want to say too much about it right now. As of right now I don't feel like blogging about anything to the outside world. Consider this blog on hold.

Picture unrelated.

Splashing Around

2007-09-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

Picture nicked from Wikipedia. Original of Hiragana from Chinese characters.

For each row (did this from memory):
1: n, wa, ra, ya, ma, ha, na, ta, sa, ka, a
2: ? (obsolete), ri, mi, hi, ni, chi, shi, ki, i
3. ru, , yu, mu, fu, nu, tsu, su, ku, u
4. ? (obsolete), re, me, he, ne, te, se, ke, e
5. wo, ro, yo, mo, ho, no, to, so, ko, o

Useless weekend.

Thanks to Jobmine and procrastination, I am already way behind in school.

Was supposed to go to church today. Missed that because I slept too late last night and needed the energy to do whatever I had to do today.

Friday

basketball (DUMB) ~3 hours
CCF (was late for worship) ~
bubbletea after CCF

Saturday

basketball ~ 2 hours (STUPID)
cleanup house ~ 4 hours
stir fry onion, two large green peppers, rice with some egg ~ 2 hours
memorized most of basic 46 hiragana charactes procrastinating
slept late!

Sunday

sleep in?
Jobmine (29 job applications, 6 cover letters) ~ 4 hours
memorized rest of 46 basic hiragana
intramural basketball ~ 2 hours

lost game 42-21, 0-2 shooting with and maybe 2 turnovers. Was blocked viciously on one occasion.

Aftermath

Missed church on Sunday
Missed devos on Saturday
Missed doing homework on Sunday

New week. New challenges. New failures. New chances.

School Starts Again - What I am doing

2007-09-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have not been working very well since school started, for a variety of reasons.

Settlers of Catan

Anyways does anyone know what the picture on top is?

It's a board-game called the Settlers of Catan. My roomates are quite passionate about it, and they have gotten me to join them a few times already.

Here is how the game works: The game is set on an island, with each player representing a faction attempting to settle into the island. Each player attempts to accumulate a set amount of what are called 'victory points'. Victory points are gained by cultural achievements, such as building settlements or cities, having the most roads, having the used the most soldiers, or having special cards representing points. The goal is to reach 10 points first. To achieve this, each player owns territories, which produces resources such as lumber, wool, wheat, brick, and ore. These resources are then used to perform the cultural achievements.

I am still really bad at the game. Appearantly they look at strategy guides and play the single-player version on their computers. I have yet to win a 3 player game, although I have won a 2 player one. In fact, I was pretty close to winning last night.

Upgrading Someone's Computer

I sold one of the sticks of RAM in my laptop to someone who I thought really needed it. And I did it because he need it, because 256 MB on Windows XP is just unwise. I bought a stick of 1GB on my laptop so I didn't really need it anyways.

So I installed his RAM and even plugged in his laptop keyboard that was unplugged somehow. He thought it was broken for a while and had been using a huge USB keyboard. Yes on his laptop, so that means that he was hauling old laptop (which weights more than a brick by the way) plus huge keyboard whenever he had to use the thing somewhere else.

It have been so nice if I stopped there.

I didn't.

I had to try to fix up things apply tweaks on his computer, namely ones I had used on mine. For example, drivers were missing so his laptop couldn't go on standby, which is a joke. He installed that Windows himself, so no surprise there. That took maybe half a day. Problem though: his email program stopped working.

Since I figured it might have been because of what I did. I tried pulling a System Restore after research led me nowhere, which did nothing. At the end of it, it was actually a problem in his email account and not his computer. By then 2 more half days were wasted. By trying to fix the email, albeit unsuccessfully, it triggered his Microsoft Office to fail, namely Excel. It asked for his Office 2003 CD, which of course he did not have. So today it took me 2 hours to ratify the problem. My Office 2003 setup files didn't work either, so it was not a straight forward fix.

All this for 30 bucks by the way. Yes that includes the price of the stick of RAM. Market price is probably 25 bucks.

Not the first time I tried to fix someone's screwed up computer and spent too much time trying, and probably not the last either.

Basketball and Related Incident

Yes I actually have been playing sports regularly for the last while. I am also doing intermural basketball again this term, and I actually don't have to play as the starting center (thank God).

Yesterday I spent around three hours playing. In the progress, I stepped on my glasses.

They kind of broke.

I have one of those half frames, and one of the fish wire things snapped when I stepped on the lens. When I got home, it took me probably another hour to fix because I forgot to bring my backup glasses. I ended up taking braided wire from one of the guys living downstairs and unstranding a few of the strands to use. Now as long as I don't do sports with the glasses on, I will be fine. No real fix till Thanksgiving really :(. Or rather I am too cheap for that.

CCF and Church

I will likely attend regularly this term. It is a lot easier when I am motivated by the people I will see. My home church used to be a little different, but that would be mainly my fault for not trying to fit in.

Apart from that, I might as well try again with this whole faith thing. It is a new term after all. But to my shame, I am coming to realize that there are parts of me I am not willing to give up, even when I know I those parts may be evil.

I still feel so fake with this whole God thing.

CCF is doing something called the Alpha program this year. If I wasn't sure I was saved, it would be something for me. But then again, the Alpha program sounds like one of those 'my personal commitment to Jesus makes me saved' and not a 'my personal commitment to Jesus is evidence of faith initiated and subsequently empowered by Christ makes me saved' gospel.

Stress at the End of Work Term

2007-09-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the work term report system, I am stuck at home trying to finish up my work term report. Combined with my outrageous tenancy to procrastinate, I am getting quite worried.

I have screwed up on a lot of things this term. Or rather, things just didn't go as planned:

I have become more of a prick to my parents
Didn't reconnect with friends
Rekindled interest in otaku culture all back from two years ago, although it has been rather dormant for a while. It is quite different than what it used to be, but you have to know me to know. Well you would have to know me to know that I really resisted the idea of enjoying anime and stuff like that up until recently.
I effectively skipped out on church after about one and a half months of decent attendance and just dried out, including Friday fellowships
Accountability group kind of died
Didn't study for school or anything like I was supposed to, so I am pretty screwed this term
Sponsoring a kid now in Thailand... Might be more interesting when he actually grows up though.
Spent like my life on tweaking computer stuff this term

Anyways, I need to finish this report today and polish up everything tomorrow because I need to use my home computer for some of the data for my 'analysis'. Aside from this work term report, I need to...

Short Term

RMA the motherboard on that computer: not that I have a chance to take it there myself, but it needs to be done somehow
Pack stuff: so that I can move into Waterloo this Saturday
Buy lots of stuff: mainly food supplies, for the above reason
Drop off a borrowed textbook at church: because I have had it for too ridculously long

Long Term

Be mentally prepared for school again: no I am not ready, but I sense the impending doom -_-
Hype myself up for CCF next term: I am living with the chairperson, so that will be something. my faith has dropped so much this term, but I haven't had a chance to recover. I need to keep going.
Reconnect myself to old friends: somehow. I have already established that I am really not doing that bad, but just that I could do better if I just tried.
Polish up on some hobbies and do something: I have decided that my interest in otaku culture doesn't have to be that bad. I am being too pragmatic when I judge myself, which results in something close to the symptoms of depression.

A Computer Technican Amateur's Rant

2007-09-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

During my last work term, half my job was assisting people with computer issues. It is something I had been doing for a long time, but I finally used the skill in a professional environment. I am just an amateur in many aspects, so this post is from that perspective.

Anyways, this message is for everyone out there who never played around with computers and have other people fix their computers for them:

It takes more time than you think
It causes stress because there are so many things that could go wrong/could be done
It is not the most entertaining thing to do. The most entertaining part of it is when you are done with it and get relief from the hell you have been through. There is also satisfaction of having done something for someone else. The process itself is gruelsome (at least for me).
We know less than you think - we were schooled by Wikipedia and Google. Quite frankly, the only reason we are fixing your computers for you is not because you can't, but because you haven't tried. We are doing it for you because we care enough to not let you go through the hell that we go through both in learning about it and in the actual process of it.

Am I glad that I don't do computer stuff full time? Yes!

So what am I saying you should do when you have a computer problem?

Read - the instructions are always right there in front of you. I have helped numerous people who had 'problems' just because they wouldn't read. If it isn't on the screen, there is a help file with a search function.
Google - use it well. Nuff said.
Use your common sense - There are some very basic checks anyone could do. I have had a situation where the network cable was connected from one wall jack back to another wall jack. And you ask me why you can't use the internet?

When you do end up getting someone to help:

Ask politely and say thanks - for all the reasons listed
Don't ask stupid questions - as iterated above, we don't know it all.
Be patient - it often takes more time than you think, because it even takes more time than we think most of the time.
Know that they might screw up big time, and be reasonable in the case that they do - when you let someone fix your computer, they can potentially screw something up very badly. When they do kill your computer, please don't flame them for their incompetence or mistake, but know that they were only trying to help and sacrificed their time and emotional health in the process already.
Try to understand why you couldn't do it yourself and see if it is possible for you to do it yourself next time - for obvious reasons

Another Bomb Thanks to ASUS

2007-09-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

Either I am just plain unlucky with computers, or ASUS is out to get me.

Looks like I need to pull a second RMA on my motherboard. And yes I am back to Waterloo, meaning that the computer will be out of commission for a good month of so. Great. Just great.

While I do appreciate their timely BIOS updates as wella s their excellent tech support system compared to the likes of ASROCK (which has effectively ignored my technical support requests for the last few times I tried, and believe me I tried), I hate sending my motherboard back to them. The RMA process takes one month including shipping and handling, not to include the time it takes to plug everything back in! It is a pain and I do not want to deal with it.

Issue Resulting in First ASUS RMA

all usb ports stopped functioning spontaneously

Current Issues Likely Resulting in Second RMA

DVI output no longer works

Resolved Vista x64 Nvidia Geforce S3 Standby Sleep & Other Problems

2007-09-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

Ever since I decided to go Vista when I got my RMAed ASUS M2NPV-VM motherboard back, I have had many very annoying problems. When you check google for "Vista standby Nvidia", you will see what I mean.

The following article is bunch of things I have done to my computer that seemed to have resolved my issue. I am not about to reinstall everything just to find out what exactly solved my problem. But a combination of all these fixes will probably work for someone else too.

I installed back around June.

Comp summary:

Vista Business x64
internal Geforce 6150
dual monitor setup

1650*1080 on DVI LCD
1080i on HDTV component out RGB

Now you can read the list of problems that I had to see if you had anything similar, or just jump to the fixes section.

Resolved Issues

sleep mode results in the computer freezing up with a blank screen and the comptuer still on (refusal to enter S3 standby state, nevermidn hibernate)
spontaneous freezing with blank screens, computer still on
flickering of video playback (VMR7)
Nvidia driver settings not saving
cannot get dual displays working together
video output failure on DVI LCD upon startup
computer refuses to restart, and gets stuck with a blank screen

Note that these problems were experienced over a variety of OFFICIAL drivers provided by Nvidia.

Full driver uninstallation and cleaning procedures were followed, meaning the drivers were at fault.

The fix

Hotfixes & Drivers

The latest beta driver, 163.44, has resolved most of the issues for me when used in conjunction with the official hotfixes by Microsoft. Here are links to all of these:

163.44 for x86 Vista
163.44 for x64 Vista
Microsoft KB938194
Microsoft KB938979 (enforces signed drivers in x64 Windows! beware!)

When reinstalling Nvidia drivers, be sure to run the uninstall from the "Programs and Features" page, then run a driver cleaner. I recommend Driver Sweeper from Guru3D.

(above links were verified from the following article, retrieved September 1, 2007: Nvidia Vista Hotfixes)

Vista Configuration Tweaks

In my Power Options, I have the following options for troubleshooting:

PCI-Express Link State Power Management: off
USB Selective Suspend: off
Sleep after: 2 hours
Hibernate after: 0
Enable hybrid sleep: On

If you don't see the hibernation option or the hybrid sleep option, go to command prompt and force hibernation to be enabled with the following command:

powercfg -h on

I also have followed instructions via the ASUS FAQ for my motherboard:

Problem Description: Fail to enter Standby mode under VISTA OS

Question: My system fails to enter Standby mode under VISTA OS with pure default settings (Untouched freshly installed OS, all BIOS settings set to default, and jumpers are set to default settings as according to user manual.) System returns right back to login system every time when I tried to enter Standby mode.
I have installed all related drivers for motherboard and VGA, and have only PS/2 keyboard and USB mouse connected to the motherboard.
Anything I can do to allow standby support on this motherboard?

Answer: This is VISTA OS problem. VISTA does not allow system to enter Standby mode, if "Allow this device to bring the computer out of standby" for an USB or PS/2 wake supported device (such as mouse or keyboard) has been checked under "Device Manager", while the used USB or PS/2 port has not switched its power mode to +5VSB, which allows delivery of standby power to USB or PS/2 ports under soft OFF state.
As VISTA enables this option per default, and motherboards often set USB power modes to +5V at the same time, this two settings may result in conflict, hence causes this trouble.

To fix this, simply uncheck "Allow this device to bring the computer out of standby" for your USB mouse and PS/2 keyboard under "Device Manager", if you do not desire to wake the system via your USB mouse and/or PS/2 keyboard.

If wake from USB mouse and/or PS/2 keyboard option is required for your application, simply turn off your PC, set the particular USB port used to connect your USB mouse, and/or your PS/2 port(depending on if you wish to allow wake from PS/2 device) to +5VSB as per the instructions in your user manual, then turn it on again, and disable "Allow this device to bring the computer out of standby" for devices you do not wish to use to wake your system from, and your system will be able to enter and wake from standby mode in your desired manner.

BIOS Update

I also have the newest non-beta BIOS for my motherboard. This may or may not be a factor. It doesn't hurt to do this.

Some Help Sources

Guru3D forums - main source for resolving my video issues. They were one of the best sources for updated drivers and hotfixes. If you still have problems, bookmark their site. You can download drivers from their main site as well.

I also got help from these other sites:

LaptopVideo2Go - beta driver download, with modified inf files to allow driver deployment on all supported platforms

nZone forums- a good source for nvidia video related talk and official beta driver releases on their main site

hotfix share - repository of Microsoft's hotfixes not yet available to the public.

There are more sites out there, but these are all the ones that I found were most helpful.

My Remaining Issues

Attempting to standby with video playing causes standby to fail
Screensaver still turns on with video playback
Log off to welcome screen results in computer hanging with video failure

Disconnected and Broken

2007-08-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

I took this picture a few months ago on one of those random Saturdays when I actually moved out of my room and did something. This was taken ion downtown Toronto during this arts/culture show that I forgot the name of. Of all the things I saw, this caught my eye.

Erm... What?

Who knows how long this pipe has been left there for. No one knows what this pipe is for anymore. No one bothered to remove it properly when all the rest pipes it was probably connected to were removed years ago. Now it is left there to rust. Disconnected, useless and out of place.

Okay... So?

Somehow I felt that this pipe was somehow like me.

There was probably a time when I felt like I connected to something, or more specifically some community - some greater universe I belonged in. Now everyone has moved on, and I don't know how to move on. There is just no connection, resonance, the necessary link that binds souls together so that they can call each other 'friends'.

I feel as if I am dysfunctional. Maybe I have rusted beyond the point of repair.