Thursday, October 1, 2009

Wasted time today depressed

Wasted many (more than 6) hours today depressed. Happened a lot last term, but this term it’s more or less the first time.

Stress cripples me. It shouldn’t but it just does.

I had somewhat of a set back with the 4th year project course I have been doing. Lots of useless regretting and not much progress made. Presentation next Friday and facing a lot of stress as to what I can do. I am useless right now.

While I appreciate the faith people have in my abilities, I myself have little faith.

It’s so hard, but I need to see a counselor. This makes no sense that I can waste so much time being depressed. I need to resolve the triggers and root causes so I can actually perform optimally this term.

Pray for me.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Back in Waterloo for my Second Last Undergrad Term (Hopefully)

I realize I haven’t blogged for a while now. I’ve been tweeting quite a bit, but there’s not really a good replacement for a blog post.

This is more of a post of me reviewing what I did and might not be a very interesting piece since I’m not filtering for the good parts. It’s just going to be a lot of stuff :D.

My Summer

In Hong Kong this summer, I did very little. I wasn’t motivated to do much. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I didn’t feel like spending any of my parents’ money. Initially I was going to find a job, but it turned out that I wasn’t going to get paid a lot anyways so I gave up since I wasn’t sure I could even go to work consistently with that attitude.

It was really hot in Hong Kong. I am not sure if it was weather effects or if I was just depressed from living with my aunt or just isolating myself from people in general. My aunt was really not making me feel at ease. I really felt like I was going insane a few times because I was so depressed most of the time when they were around. I felt great when I was with other relatives or when I was alone though. I would thank her for feeding me any stuff, but if I had money I would have really preferred to live alone or live with someone else. I really shouldn’t have stayed at her place for so long, but that’s a story for another day. Anyways I felt like I spent most of my time in the house not going anywhere nor doing anything significant.

But it wasn’t actually that bad for me. In fact I think it was the most relaxed I felt in a long time. There were times I felt really depressed (like I said above), but most of the other times it was really refreshing.

Spiritually I made no practical progress. I have essentially established that my faith is functionally broken. I found a church only to abandon it a few months in and not developing any relationships because I didn’t ask for any contacts and didn’t really hang out enough. But the glimpse of church I experienced there made me want to be grow up in Hong Kong. I was restricted to go by unrational feelings of being rejected by people since no one reached out to me even though I was someone new. That’s another lesson for the books. I was expecting people to reach out to me since I was a newcomer in a church, but other than initial recognition and formal greetings, it didn’t really get much further than that. I felt pretty isolated there actually – no different than what I felt at church in Canada, where I knew the faces of everyone and that’s pretty much it.

On the more positive side of things, I bought quite a bit of clothes in Hong Kong. Yes I have clothes that fit now and am no longer restricted to track-pants and huge t-shirts. I started caring about my looks a bit more. But I wouldn’t have shopped as much as I did if I didn’t spend my last month in the stock market and made myself enough money to cover my flight and all miscellaneous expenses. Not enough to cover tuition though, so I’ll be in debt a little.

I also had an awesome time meeting my cousins. I really missed them and treasured every moment I spent with them. I have a female cousin my age, but she is as lazy as I am in terms of socially so I didn’t get to talk to her as much as I would have liked. I still don’t know how to talk to her, but it’s the same situation with most of my friendships I guess.

To cap it off, a list of everything I can think of about my Hong Kong trip:

  • first time back in 10 years
  • seeing relatives
  • visited my childhood home and first elementary school
  • visited a Chinese church a few times and also their fellowship (though I gave up on during my last month. Otherwise a good experience)
  • visited Macau
  • visited Shenzhen a few times
  • Bride’s falls visit and fishing
  • Ocean park
  • shopped for clothes ($4000 HKD worth)
  • figured out how to swim breast stroke semi-properly (can swim continuously without rest), and front crawl needs work but is a lot better
  • got more fit (mostly thanks to pull ups) and gained about 3 inches on my vertical
  • visited anime and magna related good stores to walk around
  • visited HK book fair
  • first real experience in stock market trading
  • played basketball and soccer with locals

Final Stretch of University

I’m in my last year of Mechanical Engineering coop program. It’s hard to imagine that I already went through 4 years of it and am really on my final stretch. While I would really like it to end, I am not exactly looking forward to full time work either. I am not feeling very motivated. Graduation is something way over my head right now. In a sense, I still feel like I’m seventeen. But I’m already 22 going onto 23. Some people my age get married, and have established their footholds in society with regards to their career, independence and social standing.

I hope I pass these two terms.

I also pray to be a better Christian. I’m starting with constant church attendance and don’t really want accountability, as contradictory as that sounds. The last time I had accountability was good for what it was, but I am not too upbeat about finding people who have my troubles. I have some pretty weird issues, so I would like to think.

Not looking forward to much socially. I will be too busy and I am not sure where to start. The only social commitment I am taking this term is church on Sundays. I am having second thoughts about the fellowship I usually go to because over the terms it really hasn’t done me that good, especially towards last school term.

Extra

For the sake of vanity, my Hong Kong trip has resulted in the following 5 pack (yes they are asymmetrical). They still need work and by the end of this term I might just lose it because I am too lazy to go to a pull-up bar. I'm trying to keep exercising:

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Clearup

No Japan
I'm in Hong Kong till mid August
I graduate in 2010 now
Jobless for now

I will keep Tweeting.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Approaching the end of the term

I easily wrote the worst final exam of my university career. It was a course I could and should have done better in. A lack of motivation and focus killed me. I might now have to retake that particular course. If I go to Japan, it means that I will be retaking the course a whole year later, which isn't as fun. The prospects are not actually that bad though in reality. I have just been really hard on myself.

I have been stressed recently about my Japanese work issues, but that is no excuse. I get pretty dysfunctional when I'm stressed. I am in my early twenties, but I don't think this is acceptable. I need to take substantial measures to discipline myself.

I have one more exam to write. I know I'll pass that one. It is time to put my worries elsewhere and just relax.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Final Exams

Final exams in a week. 3 group projects due this week.

Crucial time. Very crucial. Especially knowing how behind I am in all my courses.

I cannot afford to fail this term. Or any term, in fact. Being in 4 stream means that failure of a term can result in pushing my graduation a whole year. Combine that with going to Japan, and it means taking 7 years to complete my undergraduate degree, which is insane. 6 was borderline okay, for me already when I applied for the Japan coop.

I guess I've been depressed by the fact that my marks have been dropping like a rock, and I have had too much of a perfectionist mindset to pull myself out of the muddy waters. It is tough mentally to get 80s and suddenly fall down to a 60 student, and that's exactly what's happening. It is really making me edgy and stressed this term. It means going for masters is impossible. With my lack of experience in the engineering field, I am disappointed in what I have to offer to the engineering world.

In any case, I need to focus now. This is my final stretch of school for a whole year before going to Japan.

I also had issues with my passport recently, which may affect my Japan work application. That's an additional stress item...

Praying about it.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Post Midterm Reflection

So... half the term has passed. A lot of things have happened, and a lot of things that should have happened have not.

I'm 22 years old. I can no longer call myself a teenager. I am fully in my twenties now, and there's no turning back. The responsibility to live is mine.

I'm still watching anime these days. One that really makes me glad that I'm still watching is Clannad After Story. The story started with the protagonist as an irresponsible teenager at the ripe age of 17. He is not a teenager anymore, and moreover a father. The story has progressed to the point where he must now live his life responsibility for the sake of himself as well as his daughter. There are things I too must do for my own sake.

I recently started reading the book 'Intimate Connections' by David Burns. It's a self-help book with practical advice to evaluate your own life and to rationally understand your thoughts. I was a fool to ever think that scientific psychotherapy can be replaced by simply reading the Bible and talking to untrained individuals. Anyways, the book has the potential to help immensely. I started to understand the importance of psychological balance through 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud. In any case, I have a lot of material to work with now.

Key phrases:
  • Setting boundaries
  • Rational and realistic expectations


I have been very volatile emotionally and spiritually. I am going to make it my goal to practically fix that from this point forwards. I should have set this goal at the beginning of the year, but this time I'm putting this in writing once and for all.


This is a good time to do this right once and for all.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Pre-Exam Motivation



Ecc 5:18 Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.
Ecc 5:19 Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil--this is the gift of God.


Haven't been able to study. My motivation really hasn't been there. Listening to some MarsHill Mark Driscoll to fix my mentality.

Live for righteousness. That's your value. You are not in the world's "food chain". We don't score that way before God.

God enabled joy.